Golden Flames 2: Sapphire Stories
by ReturnToJohto
Summary: I'm back and better then ever! Follows the stories of Gold's daughter Sapphire and her band of insane and possibly retarded friends. Rated for extreme language at times. Review or die! I'm kidding about the die part or am I?
1. Perverted First Impressions

CHAPTER 1

"How to Lick Carpet: A Perverted Guide to the Intricacies of Third Base for the Man That Rarely Scores. Now with seventy five percent more detailed pictures of the human vagina! AWESOME!" Copper read the title of his book out loud. After spending nearly fourteen years at Mahogany Gym, Copper has adopted some of the perverted mannerisms of his master Gold (if you read the first Golden Flames, Copper is now 24). He flipped through all the instructional pages and went directly for the vagina pictures. Instead of getting the pleasure he desired he felt only disgust. He tossed the book aside.

"There's a limit to how close up you get to a bat cave to take a picture. The driveway is great and everything but sometimes it could be friggin disgusting... I need a drink..." Gold and Copper are the only employees at the Mahogany Gym, with Gold as the leader. They both became Pokemon League Champions when they were younger so most trainers knew to stay away from the gym. Things could get really boring...

Unfortunately for Copper the phone started ringing. On the other line was Gold's quick to anger, overly controlling wife, Crystal.

"Copper? Did Gold get his ass out of bed yet?"

"Um... well... uh..." Copper stuttered. Gold was in bed with a hangover. He was supposed to be moving to Hoenn with his family today. "Uh... he left an hour ago," he lied.

"Are you lying to me?"

"Yes. I mean no!"

"Hmm... fine. I believe you. But if I don't see Gold in the next hour Mr. Chainsaw comes out of the closet. GOT IT?!" Copper gulped hard. He knew better then to anger Mr. Chainsaw.

"U-U-U- UNDERSTOOD SIR!"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME!?"

"I MEAN MA'AM!"

"GOOD! Now get to your job! What do you think we're paying you for?" With that, she hung up on him.

"But you guys don't pay me... Controlling bitch!" Copper slammed the phone back down. "But if I don't do what she says Mr. Chainsaw will have his stabby way with me (That right there is a perfect example of an innuendo)... GOLD! GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED! WE'RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON'T!"

Copper sprinted down the various halls of the gym until he found Gold's room. Gold slept contently inside. Copper kicked the door down and took off his boot. He tossed it at the back of Gold's head.

"OW!" Gold shouted as he woke up. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU MOTHERFU-." Copper pushed Gold out of bed.

"We don't have time for this! Mr. Chainsaw's coming if you don't get to Hoenn now!"

"MR. CHAINSAW!? HOLY CRAP!" Gold took a roll of keys off his dresser and handed them to Copper. "Take care of the gym for me. I'M OUT OF HERE!" Gold sprinted towards the front door.

"Gold wait! You're not wearing any pants!"

"PANTS ARE FOR THE WEAK MINDED!"

MEANWHILE...

Gold and Crystal's daughter Sapphire was forced to ride in the back of the delivery truck while her brothers got to ride in their new car. To relieve the boredom Crystal gave Saph her Blissey to play with. Sapphire challenged Blissey to a game of Checkers and was losing badly.

"Blissey!" It cried while pointing to the back wall of the truck. Sapphire turned around to see what it was. Blissey swiped a bunch of Saph's pieces while she wasn't looking.

"Hey... you stole my pieces you little bitch!" Sapphire shouted. "Don't pretend I didn't see you either!" Blissey had pulled on its innocent angel routine. "MOM!"

The truck and front car were completely connected. In order to talk to her Mom Sapphire just had to open the window that separated the two cars.

"Mom! Your stupid Blissey cheats at checkers!"

"I've known Blissey since I was a baby. It would never cheat at anything."

"Are you blind? That thing hates me! I think it might even be trying to kill me!"

"Oh boy, not another one of your insane theories..."

"They're not theories! They're facts that everybody overlooks because they're ignorant!" Sapphire was right about Blissey. It pulled two knives from the pouch on its stomach and crept up behind her. Saph turned around to look at Blissey but Blissey had already returned to checker's board so Sapphire didn't suspect anything.

"Sapphire, please, no more theories for today. I'm stressed out over this trip to Hoenn."

"I told you that they're not theories! They are all facts! Like how Santa Claus is the devil because the letters in Santa rearranges to make Satan and how dentists numb you so they can molest you when you're high off laughing gas or-." Crystal slammed the window in her daughter's face, causing her to fall back on Blissey who was trying to murder her again. Blissey dropped it's knives on the ground.

"HAH! You are trying to kill me! Wait until Mom busts your ass you pink turd!" She returned Blissey back to her ball. She was about to show her Mom the knives but the car took a sharp turn. This caused a couch to slide out of place and slammed it Sapphire's side thus knocking her unconscious in the process.

She lied there until they had finally reached their new house in Hoenn. Crystal got out of the front car and opened the back door of the truck to find her daughter knocked out.

"HOLY CRAP! SAPPHIRE, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!"

"Blissey... must... die..." She said just before she passed out again.

"Blissey must die? Oh, not that again... Boys?" She said referring to her two elder sons, Gold and Silver Junior. Now, if you're new to the party let me explain something important. Gold Jr. and Silver Jr. are actually clones of the original ones. Yes. Clones. You need to read the other story to understand that part. Just know that due to a cloning error they were born as four year old versions of the originals that grew as regular boys. Don't strain your brain over it. Okay?

"Yeah Mom?" They said in unison. They had gotten to the house before them.

"I need to make sure those Vigoroths put our stuff in the right places. Could you go wake up your sister?" She left the three of them alone and walked inside the house.

"How the hell are we supposed to wake her up?" Gold Jr. asked.

"My simple older brother of three minutes, have you no sense of humor?" Silver said in a poetic fashion.

"You know I have as much of a sense of humor as you do. And quit talking like that. It's kind of creepy..."

"Whatever. Now think for a moment. Our psychotic little sister of thirteen years is unconscious."

"STOP SAYING 'OF' AFTER YOU SAY OUR NAMES!"

"Okay, okay! Geez! Some people have no sense of good English... Anyway, instead of waking her up let's leave her like this."

"Why?"

"I've got a plan. Let's leave her in the middle of a park or something. And then we find an empty beer bottle and leave it in her hand to make her look like she had too much to drink. Then we wait until some dirty pervert touches her uh... parts while she's asleep."

"How is that funny?" Gold said sounding slightly disgusted at his brother.

"It's funny because since she's not drunk she'll immediately wake up and kick the guy in the balls!"

"That plan is stupid, underhanded, dishonorable and deliciously mischievous... I LOVE IT! LET'S GO!" Silver lifted her by the armpits and Gold lifted her by her feet. Instead of a park they dropped her off at the grassy knoll in the middle of town.

"Okay. Now go swipe some liquor off some hobo dude," Silver commanded. Gold found one across the street. He marched up to him without fear.

"Hello homeless person. My name is Gold and I want to take that liquor you bought instead of saving your money to buy a house."

"You've got some nerve kid! Oh, if I was still young and in the army I'd show you a thing or two about coming up to someone who's down on his luck like that!"

"Teach me what? How to get shot by someone on my own side?"

"Yes. I MEAN NO!"

"Whatever. I was never in the army but I have attended a woman's defense program. You know what we do there?"

"What?"

"WE KICK 'EM IN THE BALLS!" Gold said and did at the same time. The poor hobo fell to the ground in pain.

"MY FRIGGIN' TWIG AND BERRIES!" Gold stole his beer and ran back to his brother.

"Manipulating poor people is fun!"

"Manipulating perverts is even more fun! Let's hide in those bushes over there! Those idiots over there with the weird hair look pretty horny."

The horny idiots with weird hair were walking towards Sapphire. The one in the lead had white hair going down to his shoulders and his name is Ruby. The other one had bright green hair and his name was Terry (HE IS NOT WALLY).

"Okay Perry let me introduce myself. My name is Ruby and I'll be your mentor as long as this foreign exchange program at school lasts. I feel it is my duty to show you the ways of the modern ways of the world. Things are much more complex then whatever third world country you came from. Any questions?"

"Uh... yes. First-a off, are you-a high? You already-id, introduced yourself at your-a house. I am not here-a for school. I'm here to get a pokemons from your fasha (father) Professor Birch. And I do-a not come from a third world country. I come-a from the desert on Route 111, you complete jackass! And my name's not Perry!" Terry said in a heavily set accent.

"I'm not high. I'm just forgetful. Now what was I saying before you started bitching in a foreign language? Oh yeah! I was teaching you the ways of the world. Let's start off with girls. You do know what girls are right?"

"Yes."

"Good. Without girls we wouldn't exist. With girls the survival of the human race flourishes. That is why we have to keep having sex with them or we'll die."

"Oooh, dying is bad. How-a do we acquire this 'sex' of which you speak of?" Even though Terry isn't from a third world country he's still clueless about the world outside the desert.

"Let me show you. Check it out! There's a drunk chick over there. Now Terry, I know this might come to you as a shock but women outside of your country don't hide their faces in rags. They are allowed to be as free and as slutty as they want. That is why I'll at least put this bandanna over head to make you feel at home." Ruby pulled a red pokeball styled bandana out of his pocket. He tied it around the back of Saph's head.

"Hey Silver, why is he putting a bandana on Saph?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's some kind of pervert trick."

"HOW DARE YOU!?" Terry shouted at Ruby. "I am-a not a Muslim. My people's women wear sand veils to protect themselves from the sun! They don't cover their faces. And for the last time-a I am not foreign you Muslim thumping bitch!" Ruby ignored Terry's cries of disgust and continued his lecture.

"Watch and be amazed my foreign friend! I shall start the demonstration."

"I'm-a not... oh what's the point..." Terry had given up on piercing Ruby's thick skull.

"To start the sex process, you first grab a handful of boobie and then-." Sapphire woke up the second he touched her.

"DIE PERVERT!" She got up and gave Ruby a crushing blow to the jaw. Terry stepped back and away from Ruby just in time to catch the teeth that flew out of his friend's mouth. "HOLY KICK TO THE NUTS ATTACK!" Saph gave Ruby a super powerful kick to the...

"MY SHARPEDO AND CARVHANAS! GOD DAMN IT!" Ruby cursed as he grabbed said area.

"Oh, I'm-a amazed alright. Amazed at how much you suck," Terry remarked as Sapphire beat the flying shit out of Ruby. After Ruby was beaten to a bloody pulp, Sapphire looked around for her brothers, completely forgetting that Terry was even there.

"Where are you guys? I know you two pinheads did this and when I find YOU WILL DIE!" Sapphire ran off in the opposite direction of her brothers, who were now pissing themselves with laughter at Ruby's expense.

Sapphire ran out too far. She ran to the outskirts of town and into the forest.

"Flying crap, I'm lost..." She was about to turn back when she heard a pokemon scream out in the distance.

"TRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She ran towards the disturbance. A large poorly shaven man was carrying a green lizard pokemon in his fist. The pokemon was trying to escape with all its might but couldn't free himself from the man's firm grasp. The man used rope to tie the Treecko down to a tree stump.

"Hey! That's cruelty to pokemon buster!"

"Huh? Cruelty? To a pokemon? Never! I'm a pokemon researcher!"

"And I'm the poorly understood heroine of this story! Now tell me who you are and why you're oppressing that uh... uh... what is that thing?" Sapphire and her brothers have lived in Johto for most of their lives. They knew nothing of Hoenn pokemon.

"I'm Prof. Birch. That's a Treecko. It's one of the three starter pokemon of Hoenn. I'm trying to monitor this one's behavior so I can make sure it doesn't kill the trainer I give it to but it keeps destroying my tracking devices. That's why I need it like this. I'm gonna stick the tracker in a place it can't get to."

"Where? In its ear?"

"Lower."

"It's back?"

"Above the legs but below the tail."

"Oh. EWW!"

"Eww's right. Could you look after it while I get the tracker from my bag?" He strolled away to find his bag. Sapphire felt bad for the pokemon so she pulled out an empty poke ball from her pocket.

"If you don't like metal stuff up your butt then get inside this ball," she whispered to the Treecko. Treecko weighed its options. Pokemon speak in parenthesis.

(I could either stay here and get butt raped or get inside that ball and become that girl's slave for all eternity... either way I'm screwed so I pick neither!) The Treecko broke free of its ropes. A car was skidding through the forest towards Sapphire and the Treecko. Treecko didn't see the car until it was too late and got hit full force by the car's front fender.

"Hey Saph, what the hell are you doing here?" Gold (senior) said stepping out of the car. "Holy crap! Did I just hit that little lizard thing?"


	2. Ruby and Terry get Gay

CHAPTER 2

"Time for lesson six young Terrence. How to shit and pee," Ruby explained. They couldn't find Prof. Birch anywhere so Terry was stuck with this complete moron.

"I'm-a pretty sure I know my natural bodily functions as well as you do."

"I know you do. But I'm gonna show you how to make it funny. Ahem..." Ruby cleared his throat. "If you're going up a ladder and you fell something splatter, Diarrhea, Diarrhea! Now you try!"

"Okay, um... if you're taking pity and you feel something-a shitty, Diarrhea, Diarrhea!"

"You got it! If you're walking down a hall and you feel somethin' behind your balls, diarrhea, diarrhea!"

"If you're playing with putty and you feel something muddy, diarrhea, diarrhea!" Ruby lead them to the outskirts of town whilst still rhyming about diarrhea.

"If you're eating a pie and you let one fly, diar- HOLY CRAP!" Ruby spotted Gold and Sapphire out in the distance. He dragged Terry behind a bush with him.

"Hey-a wasn't that the girl that whoop-a-ded your ass this morning?"

"She sure is. I've got the scars to prove it..." Gold and Saph were arguing over the imminent death of the Treecko Gold just ran over.

"Daddy! Why the hell didn't you look where you were going?"

"It was a freakin' accident! And why the hell do you care?"

"I don't know... I was thinking of capturing it..."

"Well, you can't capture it now can you? Wait... that thing isn't dead!" Gold picked it up and found that it was still breathing. "This little guy's faking it!" Gold laid it back down on the ground. He stomped on its tail.

(HOLY FLYING CRAP!) The Treecko screamed as it literally sprang back to life. Gold tossed a pokeball at it while it was still in the air. The ball fell to the ground. It rocked back and forth three times before finally coming to a rest.

"There. Now could you please stop whining about this? I really don't see why you're so interested in a runt like that..."

"OH THANK YOU DADDY!" Sapphire picked up the ball and then hugged her father.

"Oh thank you daddy," Prof. Birch said in a voice that was supposed to mock Sapphire's. He was looking pretty displeased "Hey daddy, could you please pay me for that Treecko you just stole?"

"Pay you? Aren't you the guy that gives out the starters in Hoenn?" Gold asked remembering the other man's face from a magazine.

"The one in the same."

"But don't you give these things out for free?"

"Hell no! What's the point of being a researcher if you can't make a profit?"

"WHAT!? When I was a kid Prof. Elm never charged me for my starter!"

"That's because Prof. Elm is a little bisexual nerd who doesn't have a pair of nuts between his legs!" Gold got taken aback by that last comment. "Now if your daughter is taking my Treecko, the minimum fee is fifty bucks." Gold grimaced at Sapphire.

"Just pay the man daddy!"

"Why don't you pay him? It's your Peecko!"

"Treecko!"

"Whatever!"

"I don't have any money. And as a parent it is your responsibility to ensure my happiness and well being. So if I'm not happy I'll jump off a bridge! GOT IT!?" Gold had finally given it. Sapphire always got her way...

"Spoiled little brat..." Gold muttered to himself as he handed Birch his hard earned cash. Professor Birch got into his own car and sped off without a word.

"Okay, so let's go home dad- WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?" Gold had also left in his car. Saph may have always got her way but Gold always got revenge. He was gonna leave her to find her own way back. "OH COME ON! I'M SORRY DAMN IT! COME ON DADDY! I'LL PAY YOU BACK JUST SLOW DOWN DAMN IT!" Sapphire called as she chased after her father. When all three of them were gone Ruby and Terry climbed out of the bushes.

"Ruby! Your fasha li-ed to me! He said pokemons were free!"

"I know. Dad can be such an asshole sometimes... Don't worry dude. I gots us a plan!"

"Uh-oh... if it's one of your-a plans I better bring band aids..."

"No time my simple homosexual friend! We must go now!"

"Ok. I-a can deal with you calling me foreign and a Muslim but when you call me a homo, that's just crossing the freakin' line! Where I-a come from homosexuals are stoned to death!"

"Even lesbians?"

"ESPECIALLY LESBIANS!" Ruby grabbed Terry by his collar and pulled him towards him. He (quite unexpectedly) kissed Terry on the lips. Terry pushed him away from him. "WHAT THE FUCK MAN!? YOU'RE A FRIGGIN PSYCHOPATH! AND YOU'RE CALLING _ME_ GAY!? _ME!?_"

"What the hell are you talking about young Terrence?" Ruby asked apparently forgetting what he just did.

"WHAT-A ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? YOU JUST KISSED ME!"

"Eww! That's nasty! You're such a homo dude!" A vein popped in Terry's temple.

"I hate you so much..."

"Whatever. Come on, we gots to steal that pokemon from dad." Terry had no chose but to follow his clearly insane friend to Professor Birch's lab. The lab's owner still wasn't around. Ruby opened the front door with the key from his pocket.

"Okay-a we're in. Now what Ruby?" Ruby used another key to open Prof. Birch locker full of lab coats. He pulled one on.

"When I'm wearing this coat I'm not Ruby. From now on address me as Colonel Sanders."

"The Kentucky Fried Farfetch'd guy?" Ruby pimp slapped Terry across the face.

"_Colonel _KFF guy, damn it! You hear me private!?"

"Yes, Colonel Sir!" Terry said in fear of getting smacked again. Ruby led them to the middle of the room. A pokeball sat on top of a podium. Infrared beams zigzagged across the room, blocking their way.

"Ok. Just let me handle this. Go Ninja!" Ruby released his first pokemon, a Ninjask. "Watch how a real man handles business my homosexual friend-."

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Terry lunged at Ruby who ducked in the knick of time. Terry accidentally hit one of the beams of light and set off the lab's security alarms. He collided painfully into the podium.

"OH SNAP! WE ARE SO DEAD NOW! GRAB THE POKEBALL AND LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Terry did what the Colonel said and sprinted towards the door. Ruby didn't follow him however.

"I HEAR POLICE CARS COMING! WHAT ARE-A YOU DOING!?" Ruby flat out ignored him. He pulled out a can of spray paint from his pocket. In big red letters he wrote 'The Laws of Pokemon Aren't Set in Stone, Bitch' on the lab's back wall.

"That'll show that old man who's boss... LET'S GO!" And with that the two semi-sane duo ran for their lives towards the edge of town. "TIME TO START THE JOURNEY BITCHES!" Ruby shouted into the night sky.

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I know. I've been extremely late. If you're new to the party then you should know that I'm not supposed to be on the computer. It's a complicated story that involves porn and my eighth grade teacher that I don't want to get into... It's been _extremely_ hard to get on the computer long enough to write a chapter so I can't update for a while. But don't fret! Like Ruby, I gots a plan as well. Just wait until sometime after Christmas for the next chappie. SORRY!!


	3. Shortest Chapter I Shall Ever Write

CHAPTER 3

"PANCAKES!" Sapphire shouted in her treecko's face. Gold had eased up and gave her a ride home. Once in her room she released Treecko to decide what to name it. "Now and forever you shall be- PANCAKES!" Pancakes just stared at her in wide- eyed confusion.

(What the hell's a pancake? And are you smokin' something or just incredibly stupid?)

"I'm glad you like it!" Saph said misinterpreting what Pancakes said.

"TIME TO START THE JOURNEY BITCHES!" Ruby shouted from outside as he and Terry ran past Sapphire's house. Saph poked her head out the window to see what was going on.

"Hey... those are the idiots from this morning... TAKE THIS YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" Saph pulled the lamp off of her desk and tossed it at Ruby's head. He collapsed on the ground.

"OW! DANG! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Ruby said getting back up. He shook the glass shards out of his hair and kept on fleeing with Terry.

"DAMN IT! That boy has a forehead of steel! Next time I'll throw a knife... WHAT THE FUCK!?" Two police cars were chasing after Ruby and Terry. One kept on going after them but the other accidentally skidded into her house. The shockwave it sent nearly knocked her out of the window. She caught herself just in time and rushed downstairs. Gold and Crystal came out of their room to see what happened. Gold was in his boxers with his pants around his ankles but Crystal was butt naked.

"BOYS! WHAT DID YOU-?" Crystal began. Gold and Silver junior stuck their heads out of their room.

"Whatever it is, we didn't do it!" Silver said before closing the door.

"Oh. What the hell are you staring at?" The police officers came out of the car. One was staring at Crystal's uh... chesticles...

"Such big titties..." Gold pimp slapped him across the face.

"She's mine! Now tell me what's going on so I can go back to hitting that ass with my flyswatter!"

"Is that a new innuendo for penis?" The other (and possibly homosexual) cop asked.

"No. I'm really hitting that ass with a flyswatter..." Gold said pulling out said flyswatter. "It's this sex game we do every Wednesday and-."

"Disturbing my tiny little mind!" Sapphire said covering her ears. She unfortunately saw and heard everything that just happened. "God! You've been saying stuff like that since I was four! Damn it!" she said storming back upstairs.

"Okay... so back to you two. What do you two want?"

"We were chasing after these two little boys," the (now completely) gay said. "One was an innocent angel who had this flare of insanity in his eyes. He was so cute... Oh! And the other was this foreign little darling who had an ass like a bulgy mountain top... Did you see where they went?"

"Uh... can you be more specific?"

"Huh? I could not have been clearer!"

"Uh... kids with cute flares of insanity in their eyes and bulgy asses are hard to come by... but if we see them we'll let you know..." The gay cop wrote something on his notepad and handed it to Gold. "A liability waiver?"

"Yes. We're not responsible for our car crashing through your house."

"But it's all your fault!"

"According to that we're _not_. Have a nice day sir, madam." He climbed out of the big hole in the wall. "Come along Bertram!" he called to his perverted partner.

"But those titties- They need me!"

"Now Bertram!"

"Fine... but mark my words!" He said pointing to Gold. "Your wife's huge tittie balls will be mine!"

"Why do I feel like both my mind and my wallet just got raped?" Gold asked.

"Who cares? Let's just get back to the flyswatter thing..."

"Hey... you know what's weird?"

"What?"

"I didn't know they let gay people into the police..."

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Extremely short. But I really wanted to put something up before the holidays. Even if it was one of the most retarded things I've ever written. Oh well... REVIEW OR DIE! Oh and Merry Christmas. Or if you're Jewish, Happy Hanukkah. If you're an African (not American, damn it!), Merry Kwanzaa. And if you're an atheist, FUCK YOU! YOU TOOK THE CHRIST OUT OF CHRISTMAS, YOU NEO YUPPY SONS OF BITCHES!


	4. Something stupid this way comes

CHAPTER 4

Before we begin, I have to take back what I said about atheists in the last chapter. I was going a little out of line with that one. Not all atheists like public places to be politically correct. Just like how ninety percent of Muslims aren't terrorists or not all Jews are obsessed with money (tee hee). I have nothing against atheists, I was just frustrated about not being able to write a full chapter (and sniffing a whole bunch of markers before writing didn't help either...). I actually get where atheists are coming from. I mean, who hasn't questioned their religion at least once in their life? It's sometimes weird to think that God sent his only son to save us from ourselves or some fat guy named Buddha sat under a tree for twenty years and suddenly achieved enlightenment. In short, I (and my story) have no problems with any religion or lack thereof. I bid you farewell my minions- I mean readers...

"Ruby Birch and Terry...uh... how do you say this kid's last name?" Sapphire was watching the new TV her parents got her along with Pancakes. The news anchor couldn't pronounce Terry's last name. "Th-mn-plof-dty-go-meni-yu-pkrfgithenhdl? Uh... whatever. Anyway, they stole a Mudkip from Professor Birch's house yesterday and are now wanted men. The reward for their capture is 5 million poke-."

"HOLY FUCK! Those idiots are worth a fortune! I gotta bust their asses!" Sapphire grabbed Pancakes by the neck and ran downstairs. She didn't stay to let the man finish the sentence.

"-cents. This only adds up to five pokedollars. Damn. That Birch is a real tight ass..."

(Choking! Not breathing! World becoming dark...) Pancakes croaked as it struggled to get out of her grasp. Gold and Crystal were trying to eat breakfast but Saph tossed Pancakes into Gold's food for no apparent reason. (The world is dark and it smells like bacon! MAKE IT STOP!)

"MOM! DAD! CanIgoonajourneyformonthsonendtocapturetwoconvictsbutinsteadofturningtheminwe'llturnintofriendsandthenconquertheworldwithourindestructiblepowerandhavegoodtimesandbadtimesandsavetheworldacoupletimesjustlikeyoutwodidwhenyouwereyounger!?" She said extremely fast.

"You lost me at dad. You're _her _child until noon..." Gold muttered as he picked Pancakes by its tail out of his bacon.

"I'll handle this one dear. ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Crystal barked.

"Why not?" Sapphire asked.

"Because of what happened to me and your father. Our journey's started out great but in the end I ended up pregnant with you and he ended up twice as stupid as he started out."

"That can't be true... Dad! What does 7x+29ab equal?"

"There is no clear cut answer for that because X, A and B are all variables. Combining like terms in impossible so the answer would be an infinite array of random numbers," Gold said tossing Pancakes back to Sapphire.

"Daddy... you spoke math..." Sapphire said in awestruck confusion. "See Mom? He isn't a complete moron! I'M OUT OF HERE!"

"Wait! I never said you could- DAMN IT!" Crystal cursed as Saph left through the front door. "This is all your fault!" She then took a spoon and smacked Gold in the hand with it.

"OW! What the hell woman?"

"Don't _woman_ me! Get our daughter back or else!"

"Or else what?"

"NO SEX EVER AGAIN!" Crystal stormed her way back upstairs.

"Oh snap! Hmm..." Gold decided to weigh his options. "I know what to do! PRIVATES GOLD AND SILVER JUNIOR! FRONT AND CENTER!" Gold and Silver came out of nowhere and stood before their father, their chests pushed out and their hands to their foreheads in salute.

"Reporting for duty, sir!" They said as one.

"Go bring your little sister back here on the double! And don't come back until you do!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" The terrible twosome sprinted out of the house without another word.

Let's pause the story for a second. In my last story I always showed change in point of view by going like Story change: Golden Flames or Silver Ice or whatever. I decided to change it up a little. Since the story's called Sapphire Stories, the point of view changes will be based on parts of a story book. They go like this:

Sapphire- Sapphire Stories

Ruby- Ruby Fantasies

Terry- Terry Tales

Gold Jr.- Golden Chapters

Silver Jr.- Silver Chapters

And if it's about someone from the old story, I'll use what I used to do. For example:

Gold- Golden Flames

Crystal- Crystal Leaves

And if you steal this idea like they did with my last story, I WILL FIND YOU DAMN IT! Okay... un- pause!

Story Change: Ruby Fantasies (see, that's how it works)

"3-2-1!" Ruby counted. He dropped his pants and farted right in Terry's sleeping face. Terry jumped out of his sleeping bag and immediately started tearing from the smell.

"SON-A OF A BITCH!"

"Ha! You just got ASS-assinated nigga!"

"Did you just call me the N word? Listen-a you fruit cup, I am not black, Muslim OR GAY! And-a why did your fart smell like lilacs?" The lilacs thing wiped the smile off Ruby's face.

"My farts smell like flowers? But I'm not wearing dryer sheets..." He farted again and Terry bent over to sniff it.

"Now it smells-a like pencil shavings..." By now Sapphire had walked in on them. To her it looked like Terry was sticking his face in Ruby's butt.

"Uh... am I disturbing something homosexual here?" Terry jumped out of fright this time. "No! Nothing gay happening here-a! Nope!"

"Right... Now hold still so I can tie you up, rape you and then turn you in to the police!"

"Is there a second option?" Ruby asked pulling up his pants.

"No."

"RUN FOR IT JERRY!" Ruby screamed while running towards Oldale Town.

"It's-a Terry!" Terry said sprinting after him.

"Your asses are mine!" Sapphire screamed. And so the hunt began. Ruby and Terry had just became the Bugs Bunny to Sapphire's Elmer Fudd.


	5. Ruby's Boulevard of Broken Dreams

CHAPTER 5

Terry and Ruby had charged their way into Oldale Town with Sapphire on their tails. Terry ran ahead of Ruby and Sapphire. He found an abandoned alley out of the corner of his eye and immediately dove inside. He caught Ruby as he was running by his collar and dragged him in to the shadows.

"Wha- They disappeared?" Saph said confoundedly. "Damn it! They couldn't have gone to far..." She kept on running, oblivious to where her quarries were.

"Holy Golem of the Sand be praised!" Terry sighed. "We-a out run that psycho bitch!"

"Yeah!" Ruby shouted. He walked out of the alley and onto the sidewalk. He confronted a random person and farted in his face. But instead of beating the crap out of him, the man just smiled.

"Hmm... that fart smelled like lilacs..." the man said before going on his merry way.

"Damn it!" Ruby cursed. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!?" Ruby's outburst was so loud that Sapphire heard him from the other end of the block.

"COME BACK HERE BOUNTY!" She shouted before coming after him.

"Uh-oh... RUN BARRY!"

"TERRY!" Terry corrected as he followed Ruby.

"No one cares! JUST RUN! Wait... IN THERE!" Ruby pointed to the nearby pokemon center. He and Terry charged inside and slammed the double doors behind them. They put their backs against them to stop Sapphire from getting in but they could still feel her pounding on the doors.

"What a predicament you two are in... maybe we can help..." Ruby looked up to find Gold and Silver Junior staring down at them with shady smirks on their faces.

"You two look familiar..." Terry said.

"Whatever," Ruby interrupted. "Listen, we have this psycho bitch after us for no freakin' reason! Is there something you guys can do?"

"Hmm... it seems we're pursuing your pursuer..." Silver muttered. "On three we want you two to move to the sides and we'll take care of your-." Ruby and Terry freaked out and ran away before he even counted. "I said on _three_ damn it! MANGE!"

"SCURVY!" Gold and Silver both released their pokemon, Mange; Silver's Magby and Scurvy; Gold's Elekid (they name their pokemon based on diseases... what? I'm just weird like that alright!). Sapphire busted through the doors but didn't find her targets but her brothers instead.

"Gold? Silver? What are you-?" Gold and Silver cleared their throats at the same time.

"Prepare for trouble!" Silver announced.

"And make it double!" Gold finished.

"To sink the world in eradication!"

"To enslave you all with masturbation!"

"Silver!"

"Gold!"

"Team GS tracks you in the night!"

"Surrender now or you'll surely lose your life!"

"What the hell was that? Was that your new motto or something?" Sapphire asked.

"Yep," Gold Jr. said. "Did it bring fear to your pitiful soul?"

"No... it kind of makes me pity you to be honest. Don't you two have anything better to do?" Sapphire completely forgot that she was under attack and hugged each of her brothers around the neck. "Guys, you know I love you both but you're losers. Go get girlfriends or something so you're not making retarded mottos like that ever again. Now excuse me, I have heads to hunt." She slipped behind them and continued looking for Ruby and Terry.

"Damn! I told you that was retarded!" Silver complained to Gold. "Not only is it stupid, it's used! You just modified the words from that other team. What was it? Team Sprocket? Team Pop It?"

"What? Are you kidding me? That was awesome dude! We're Team GS! We kick ass! NO! We don't kick ass, we kick ass in the balls! We kick ass in the balls in the titties! We kick-." Silver kicked Gold in the (bet you didn't see this coming) balls.

"God, do you ever shut up? I get it already, we rock! Now let's prove it by taking down Saph!"

"My strippers and pole..." Gold wheezed while holding his privates. "Why must the strippers be in pain? They do nothing but bring pleasure to our world..." Gold was rambling on in a pain induced distressed state of mind.

"Damn you're useless... Mange! Smokescreen!" Silver ordered. Mange released a jet of black smoke from its mouth, dimming every light in the room with black fog. Gold finally recovered from the extreme nut kicking.

"Thundershock!" The electric bolt found Sapphire in the darkness and zapped her in the back .I know what its like to be electrocuted now. On the day after Christmas I pulled down some wet Christmas lights and got zapped. The electricity moved up my arms, through my spine, shut off my brain and made me pass out. And that's what basically happened to Sapphire.

"Damn that was easy!" Silver remarked. The smokescreen finally cleared. Ruby and Terry got up from the floor, now relieved.

"Thanks guys," Terry said. "We-a don't know what she would've done if-a you didn't come..."

"So... how're you gonna pay us for it?" Gold asked pulling his hand out, expecting them to fill it.

"You never said anything-." Ruby protested.

"Pay us. Now," Gold threatened.

"We don't have any money..."

"Just take the most valuable thing they have Gold! Dad said we need to get back on the double remember?" Gold scanned Ruby and Terry's persons for anything valuable or interesting. He found it in the gold chain around Ruby's neck. It had a gold pendant on it that looked like a Salamence's head. Gold tried to snatch it off of his neck but Ruby, who's unnaturally happy most of the time, became extremely angry and punched him in the face.

"You'll take this from me when you pry it from my COLD! DEAD! PENIS! YOU HEAR ME YOU LITTLE BITCH!?" Ruby shoved Gold to the ground. He then tucked the chain under his shirt.

"You don't know what you just got yourself into kid," Silver warned.

"Yes I do. I'm dealing with two losers who act tough but aren't really and can't get dates- HOLY CRAP!" Silver had Mange use Fire Blast at Ruby. Ruby ran to the right to dodge it and watched as it made a man shaped hole in the wall. "Uh... nevermind... I think you're plenty tough- and cute too!" Ruby said trying to kiss up to them. "Have you been doing something to your- DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gold (who was even angrier then Silver) had Scurvy use Thunder. Ruby dodged it once again but the Nurse Joy behind him wasn't so lucky. The attack zapped her to freakin dust!

"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED NURSE JOY!" Ruby shrieked in complete horror.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Terry shouted at Gold and Silver. He was hiding under a table the whole time. Mange and Scurvy combined their attacks to turn his hiding spot to ash. "UPSTAIRS!" Ruby and Terry sprinted towards the stairs to escape the beams of fire and lightning rocketing towards them. They helped block the doorway by putting a conveniently placed couch in front of the door.

"Wow! That couch was conveniently placed!" Ruby remarked.

"Damn-a you to hell Ruby!" Terry shouted.

"What did I do?"

"It's-a what you didn't do! Why didn't you give them your necklace?"

"There's a complicated story behind that and I feel I should tell you it. It all started-."

"You're gonna tell a story now? With _three_-a maniacs after us at once?"

"Yes. Now shut your face hole so I can tell the story! Now... it all started when I was four..."

FLASHBACK...

"Daddy! I'm gonna be bestest pokemon master ejer!" Ruby screamed to his father as he ran around in circles in their living room. Prof. Birch was sitting in an armchair reading the newspaper, clearly annoyed with his son's ramblings.

"Bestest and ejer aren't words Ruby. And if you're trying to be the world's best pokemon master _ever_ then you're getting your hopes up. Trainers aren't put into number ranks like first, second and third so there is no way of telling you're the best. And even if there was, there will be someone out there who will exploit your pokemon's weaknesses and beat you no matter how much you fortify your team. Now that I'm done crushing your childhood dream, I'm gonna take a huge crap. Good day son," he said getting from his chair and going upstairs. He left Ruby crying out loud and alone with no one to comfort him.

END FLASHBACK...

"And it doesn't end there. No! Every single time I came to him with a dream, theory, you name it, he disproved it with his precious _science_," Ruby said the last word with extreme disgust. "The time I wanted to figure out why Magikarp's are orange, the time I tried to fly to the moon on my Ninjask and the time I tried to figure out why white stuff comes out of my weener when I rub it too much, all ruined!"

"Well-a ain't that bitch. A-seriously dude, they're trying to break down the blockade, could you help me out here?"

"SHUT UP! I'm trying to tell a story butthole! Next flashback!"

FLASHBACK 2...

"DADDY! I'm gonna be laser testicle man and-."

"Lasers don't shoot from your testicles! Damn it! Why do you have to be so stupid?" He said before walking to the next room.

"I'm not stupid, you're just- just a..." Ruby sank to the floor, having been defeated once again. He was too depressed to even make fun of his father back. He was just about to cry again when his mom came into the room. She helped him back up to his feet and put the chain around his neck.

"Don't let that butthole of a father bring you down Ruby. You can be whatever you want to be and someday you'll find something that he can't disprove by science. You understand Ruby?"

"Yeah... Does that mean I can be laser testicle man?"

"No."

"Damn it!"

END FLASHBACK

"And then a couple of days after that my Mom got eaten by a pack of rabid Mightyena. That's the whole reason I'm out here, to find something my father can't disprove and avenge my Mommy!" Ruby said triumphantly.

"That was touching and everything but-a in case you hadn't noticed WE ARE GOING TO DIE!" Terry leaped out of the way as Gold and Silver blew up their barricade from downstairs.

"You can run..." Silver said as he walked up the stairs.

"You can hide..." Gold said following suit.

"Because there's nothing you can do..."

"Because once we blow this place up..."

"NO ONE WILL FIND YOU!" The terrible twosome said in malicious unison.


	6. End of Act 1

CHAPTER 6

Things weren't going well for Terry and Ruby. Gold and Silver had finally made their way upstairs to where Ruby and Terry were. The upstairs of the pokemon center was a dead end with a window being the only exit besides the stairs.

"Gary, I've had enough of these guys. We both have pokemon right? Let's kick their asses!" Ruby suggested.

"It's Terry and that's the first good idea you had all day. We challenge you to a double battle!"

"We accept!" Gold and Silver said at the same time.

"GO BLAZE!" Ruby shouted releasing his Torchic.

"Go Leviticus!" Terry said releasing the stolen Mudkip.

"What the hell's a Leviticus?" Ruby asked getting distracted once again.

"What? Leviticus is my father's name!"

"Could you at least name that thing right? Couldn't you have picked something good like me instead of Lepissacus over there?"

"Leviticus! And how dare you criticize me when your pokemon's name is a cliché!"

"What do you mean?"

"Every fire starter that's ever been in a fanfic has been named Pyro, _Blaze_ or Flame! You're just adding to the stereotype you filthy- DUCK!"

"What's a duck?"

"Get your retarded ass down!" Terry shoved Ruby to the ground as Mange and Scurvy sent a Fire Blast and Thunder attack at them both. "Let's focus for three seconds and- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" Ruby rushed up to Blaze and kicked him like a small orange football.

"Blaze! Flaming Nut Smash maneuver!" Ruby ordered. Blaze started spinning in midair. It looked like it actually was a spinning fireball. It soared over Mange and Scurvy and hit Silver right in the-."

"My zeroes and one!" Silver collapsed while holding- do I need to say where?

"HA! How do YOU like getting hit in the nuts bitch?" Gold taunted at his brother. Terry was awestruck over what just happened. His mouth practically dropped to the floor.

"What are you doing butthole?" Ruby asked. "Attack now while they're distracted stupid!" Terry went back to reality and mentally smacked himself in the face. For once he was being the stupid one.

"Hydro Pump!" Leviticus just stared at him confusedly. Instead it lifted its leg and pissed on his shoe. "Eww! What-a the fuck?" Terry lost his temper and kicked the Mudkip away just Ruby did with Blaze. Scurvy caught it in midair. It used Thundershock on it before tossing it back.

"Damn! Leviticus get back in there! Use-a scratch!" Leviticus got confused again and pissed on him again. "GAAAAAAAAH!" Ruby got fed up with Terry's incompetence and pushed him aside. "What was that for?"

"Dude, you suck! I've got enough skill for the both of us so just stay out of the way! GO SHED!" Ruby released a Shedinja to take Leviticus' place. "Shed use Shadow Ball! Blaze use ember!"

"Fire Blast!" Silver ordered of Mange.

"Thunder!" Gold ordered.

"ENOUGH!" A familiar voice from up above said. Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to see where the voice came from. Somehow, Sapphire and Pancakes had woken up and climbed onto the ceiling rafters without being detected.

"You electrocute me; reduce a Nurse Joy to ashes and then tried to go after my hunt? BROTHERS! YOUR ASSES ARE MINE!"

"Take it easy Saph! We were just trying to bring you home, that's all. Don't do anything you'll regret!" Silver said trying to calm her down. Sapphire ignored him and pulled a green disc out of her pocket. She placed it on Pancakes' forehead and after a few seconds it disappeared into Pancakes' skin.

"SOLARBEAM!" She grabbed Pancakes by the neck again. She pulled on its tail and forced it to do the attack. Before they could run away all four boys were engulfed by the green beam of light. The pokemon center, which was already looking like swiss cheese, was being torn apart right through the center from the Solarbeam.

"Isn't it fun to watch as you destroy your enemies Pancakes?" Pancakes didn't answer. Somehow it obtained a box of popcorn and was watching the scene with sheer delight. The two of them were interrupted by two red and blue dragon-like pokemon crashing through the window. "What the hell?"

Two red and blue pokemon scooped the now unconscious Ruby and Terry out of the way of the Solarbeam, leaving Gold, Silver, Mange and Scurvy to get swallowed up by the rest of the attack. They then carried them out of the window and safely back onto the ground outside.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing? Those are my idiots!" The blue one overheard her and used Hyper Beam to shoot down the rafter Sapphire was sitting on, leaving her and Pancakes to fall down the same hole they created. "Damn irony!" Sapphire cursed just before hitting the ground...

A few hours later...

Sapphire woke up feeling extremely light headed and covered in ceiling plaster. Pancakes was on the ground next to her, knocked out but not dead.

"Thank God that I inherited Dad's powerful resilience... HA! Take that you stupid dragon thingy!" She said making a fist in the air. "I don't die that easily! I'm the freakin' main character bitch! Who's the head bitch in charge? ME! Huh..." She looked out of the window to see that the police had gathered around the now demolished Pokemon Center. "Oh snap! If they find me then _I'm _the one going to jail!" She returned Pancakes back to its ball and started climbing over the rubble to get to the back door. She completely forgot that her brothers were somewhere under the debris. Instead of a back door she just climbed out of a hole Gold and Silver made earlier. Ruby and Terry were lying on the ground, still unconscious.

"Wake up!" She kicked both of them in the sides of their heads.

"OW!" The boys said at the same time.

"Oh crap... not you again..." Ruby complained dazedly. "Why can't you just leave us alone?"

"Damn... what-a the hell happened?" Terry asked. "All I remember is getting hit-a by that Solarbeam..."

"Me too..." Ruby said. Sapphire then came up with a fiendish idea.

"I'm the one who saved you two. I pushed you guys out the window where you fell unconscious out here!" Saph lied.

"Why would _you_ save _us_? Terry questioned. "Weren't you, and I quote, 'gonna tie us-a up, rape us and then turn us into the police'?"

"DON'T ASK QUESTIONS?!" The feds will get us all if we don't hurry! And since you owe me your lives, you two are now my new monkey slaves!" Sapphire was trying to trick them into coming with her.

"What's a monkey?" Ruby asked.

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT QUESTIONS!? We go, NOW!" Without another word they all headed for the exit to Oldale Town. The world's most retarded alliance had just been born...

STORY CHANGE: Golden Chapters

Just like Sapphire, Gold had their father's incredible resilience. After all, he technically _was_ their father. He wiped the debris off of his clothes. He started sifting through the rubble for any sign of Silver. He eventually found him but it was clear to Gold that he was dead.

"NO! WHY MUST THE EVIL DIE YOUNG!?" Gold began to weep over his brother but was stopped when Silver's hand came out from the garbage and pimp slapped him across the face.

"Team GS doesn't die that easy..." Silver said in rusty whisper.

"Let's kick ass..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The end of this chapter is the start of the real story. Everything leading up to this moment was almost like a prologue until now. I feel like I'm forgetting something... Oh yeah! The threat! Review or suffer! Bye for now!


	7. RTJ! Change The Story Damn It!

CHAPTER 7

"Gratuitous acts of violence happened here in Oldale Town today. Five young trainers, who were all possibly mentally unstable, began to tear the pokemon center for reasons unknown for now. Their names are Sapphire Ryu, Gold Junior Ryu, Silver Junior Ryu, Ruby Birch and Terry... uh... Thmnplofdtygomeniyupkrfgithenhdl... Did I get that right? I did? Sweet! Anyway... there was no sign of their bodies after the explosion so they're presumed alive. They are all wanted; Gold and Silver are charged for the murder of Nurse Joy, Sapphire did irreparable damage to our beloved pokemon center and Ruby and Terry are wanted for- DAAAAAAH!" The same guy on the news from before was detailing what happened in yesterday's struggle until Ruby crashed a stolen car through the news studio. He was trying to get him, Terry and Sapphire to Petalburg City faster but since he didn't know how to drive he just kept driving into buildings.

"LIFE IS A SON OF A BITCH AND YOU GOTS TO STAB IT BEFORE IT STABS YOU! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!" Ruby shouted before driving through the other side or the room. Gold and Crystal were watching everything that just happened on their TV.

"HOLY MOTHER HUMPING SISTER OF JESUS!" Crystal exclaimed. She managed to pull out an entire chainsaw from her back pocket. "GOLD! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"What did _I_ do? And how'd you fit a chainsaw in your pocket?" Crystal answered by slamming the chainsaw right down the middle of their couch. "HOLY SHIT!"

"I'M RICK JAMES BITCH! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT!" Crystal's rage had brought her into a semi- insane state of mind. Gold started to run away but Crystal came after him, slicing up everything in her way.

"RTJ (that's me) CHANGE THE STORY! CHANGE IT, DAMN YOU!" Gold pleaded with me. Being the just and merciful author god that I am, I granted his request.

BUYAKASHA!

STORY CHANGE: Sapphire Stories

"RUBY! STOP THE CAR!" Sapphire ordered. Things weren't going too well on her end either. Ruby was going ninety-five miles an hour towards Petalburg. So far he's run over three trees, five Zizagoons and almost every trainer on the road. He stopped abruptly, causing Terry to smash his head into the dashboard. "Thank you!" Sapphire said climbing out of the back seat. She kissed the ground outside. "I've never been so happy to see the ground again!"

Ruby got out of the driver's seat, leaving Terry alone and unconscious on the floor of the car. He pulled a dead Zigzagoon out from under one of the tires.

"What idiot would leave a whole bunch of dead things in the road for us to run over? Inconsiderate!" He tossed the flat Zigzagoon corpse into a nearby lake. "Why'd you make us stop? We were making good time!"

"I made you stop because I want to _live_ to have more time! Damn, I feel like I just had four heart attacks at once..." She said putting a hand to her heart. "We're walking now. Get the other moron up, She ordered while getting back to her feet."

"Hey, you can't tell me what to do! We are driving!"

"I OWN YOU! You do what I say and I say we're walking!"

"Driving!"

"Walking!"

"Lesson time!" Ruby said abruptly. He ignored Sapphire and pulled Terry out of the shotgun seat.

"What-a do you want?" Terry said groggily. "I was dreaming about lonely supermodels..."

"Time to sing about innuendos kiddies!" Ruby said jumping up and down.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Sapphire asked.

"He still thinks I'm an ignorant foreign exchange student that he thinks he should tutor on-a almost everything. Just run with it..." After Terry stops talking, music starts playing from nowhere. "What-a the hell?"

Now listen all you people and you better listen well

If you don't, I'll make sure you go to hell

I'm gonna teach something really swell

If it's narcotic or erotic or possibly psychotic

It's a freakin' innuendo for you and me!

Ruby sang and skipped away into the forest. He came back carrying a pretty freaked out chick in his arms who in turn was carrying a skitty.

Watch me! This pussy is so furry and it's so very clean

You say that normally but with innuendo it's obscene

Pussy means kitty, but with innuendo I ain't talkin' bout the skitty

If it's narcotic or erotic or possibly psychotic

It's a freakin' innuendo for you and me!

And if you find yourself with some hot, young, sexy thing

You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...

Cuz' you don't say penis!

Instead of getting annoyed at being taught another stupid lesson, Terry started to get caught up in the moment.

Terry: I think I-a get it! If you go up to a girl and ask if you want to see my friend Dick-

Ruby: That is no Richard; you're trying to hit it quick

Terry: It means that I am-a trying to show my magic stick!

Ruby: If it's narcotic or erotic or possibly psychotic

It's a freakin innuendo for you and me

Ruby and Terry grabbed each other's hands and skipped farther into the forest.

"God hates me..." Sapphire complained to herself. "RTJ! I know you're up there so change the freakin' story!" She shouted at the sky. Damn, I'm being busy today aren't I?

SHAZAM BITCHES!

STORY CHANGE: Golden Chapters

Somehow, Gold and Silver had made it to the next city before Sapphire (again) even though she left before them. But then again, Ruby was driving Sapphire and Terry into random buildings all night... Anyway, Gold and Silver had hijacked a little girl's lemonade stand. They crossed out 'Lemonade' with 'Recruitment'. They also taped three pictures of Sapphire, Ruby and Terry next to the sign.

"Gold, I want you to get some stuff from the market over there," Silver said giving him the grocery list. Gold read the list out loud.

"Eggs, pokemon food, flour, any freakin' kind of cereal, milk, condoms- CONDOMS?!" Gold looked at his brother inquisitively.

"What? Dude, this isn't Johto anymore. We are now able to bang every freakin' chick in Hoenn and I want to be prepared."

"Uh... how big is your penis?" Gold asked. Silver just looked at him as if he was out of his mind. "What? These things come in sizes, colors _and _FLAVORS! If you want me to get these things then I need to know how big your hoo-hoo is!"

"Dude... we're brothers, but I am never telling you how big my thingy is... unless we're banging the same girl at the same time-."

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"Let me finish! How about_ I_ go to the store and _you _run the recruitment stand."

"But I'm not as charismatic as you, what if no one signs up for Team GS?" Silver looked around for somebody. He saw a girl coming down the street.

"If you get her to sign up I'll let you _use_ the first condom. Yes, older brother, you get to lose your virginity first if you get _her._"

"But-."

"Dude! Stop worrying already! Just look at her! Her hair's dyed green, she wears a black cloak, she looks kinda foreign and she's SMOKING HOT! If she's not perfect for our group, she's either an emo or a vampire! Now go!" Silver ran off towards the store, leaving Gold all by myself. Gold was almost going into a panic attack.

"Don't blow this, don't blow this, don't blow-."

"Um-a... don't blow what?" The girl had made it to the stand and thought he was talking to her.

"My penis- I mean- I-well- with- the-thing- with Silver and- Hi?" Gold was stumbling for the right words. "Um... hi. Well, I- uh I mean we, are looking for new people for Team GS. We're a semi- terrorist group trying to take over the world. You wanna join?"

"I'm sorry but I'm supposed to be doing something-a really important- and-," she stopped as she looked up at the wanted signs next to the Lemonade- I mean Recruitment sign. She got very angry when she saw Terry's picture. "What is your business with that one?" She said pointing to Terry's picture.

"He pissed us off the other day so now we're out to get him. Why, what's wrong?" She grabbed him by the collar and brought his face close to hers.

"I want-a that one too. Sign me up. Now," she threatened. Gold gulped. She was starting to scare the shit out of him.

"Uh... sure, just tell me your name."

"It's Emerald."

"SWEET! I lose my virginity first! Take that Silver!" Gold thought to himself.


	8. Silver and Scott Bump Heads

CHAPTER 8

Time for another side note from RTJ! I just want you to know Vhid and Chico... YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY FREAKIN' RIGHT! Anyone who steals my insane brilliance should die! But I kinda like not being in jail... I may not get as many reviews as the other stories around here but I do get a lot of hits. Sapphire Stories only has seven chapters and already has over six hundred hits. Golden Flames 1 just had its _ten thousandth_ hit yesterday. I find it incredibly endearing that someone would go back like sixty pages on the site just to read the old story (or take the pussy way out and go to Sapphire Stories, click on my name and seeing what stories I authored). Either way, I love you people (in a non- homosexual way, I _love _the vagina) and just like it says in the summary... REVIEW OR DIE!

"Oooh! Chocolate flavored condoms!" Silver marveled at the huge shelf full of condoms. He took a chocolate one and put the entire thing in his mouth. He immediately spat it out in the face of the guy next to him. "Tastes like someone took a piss in my corn flakes!" The guy next to him tossed the half eaten condom off of his sunglasses.

"Little dude, I don't know if you know this but..." The man took a large intake of breath. "FLAVORED CONDOMS ARE SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO BE PLEASING TO WOMEN! MEN AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EITHER EAT OR _SPIT_ THEM YOU LITTLE DOWN SYNDROME INFECTED SON OF A BITCH!" The man's voice echoed throughout the store. Everyone stared at him as if he was both crazy and gay.

"Dude, you just blurted out nonsense about flavored condoms in front of this conveniently placed megaphone in my hand in front of the whole store. If anyone has Down syndrome here, it's certainly not me!" Silver snatched a pack of condoms off the shelf and stormed off, leaving the man fuming with rage.

"I'll get you kid! I swear as long as my name's Scott, I'll get you!"

"Yeah, yeah, noise, noise," Silver let Scott's warning slide past him. Silver's pokegear started ringing. He picked it up to hear Gold on the other line.

"I WIN BITCH!" Gold shouted indirectly into Silver's ear.

"OW!" Silver said grabbing his now punctured ear drum. "Are you trying to make me deaf? And what did you win?"

"Our bet! You said I get to use the first condom if I got that girl sign up and I did! Who's the best? I IS THE BEST!"

"You mean I _am_ the best."

"Don't lecture me on grammar right now dude! I'm too happy!"

"Dude, you're not serious are you? I thought she would have kicked you in the nuts! I didn't expect you to actually do it!"

"Well I did," Gold said triumphantly. "Oh yeah... Before I forget, Emerald says that she wants you to pick up some tampons before you leave. Bye!" Gold said hanging up on him.

"NO! NOT TAMPONS!" Silver thought to himself. He ran a simulation of what would happen in his mind. He would grab a pack of tampons. Then every woman in the store would stare at him angrily. Then one would shout 'PERVERT' and then he would get mauled to death by angry feminists. A chill ran through his spine. Luckily, there was a lady nearby with a cart full of tampons.

"Uh, excuse me but... uh... can I have some tampons? "I'm... um... building a tampon gun?" He said remembering back to his father's tampon gun. The lady was too busy to deal with dirty perverts like Silver so she gave him a pack and walked off without a word. "Uh... thank you for your patronage?"

So long story short, Silver had no trouble getting the other things he wanted. But that was until he got to the sellout line. The cashier couldn't get the price on the tampons. Silver ran another simulation through his head. The guy would call out 'Price check on tampons' into the microphone thingy. Then the angry feminists will come back and maul him again.

"Uh... price check on tamp-."

"NO!" Silver tackled the cashier guy to the ground and started strangling him. Unfortunately, Scott (who was still looking for vengeance) cried out...

"PRICE CHECK ON TAMPONS FOR THE PERV IN FRONT!" The angry feminists that Silver was dreading this whole time had suddenly appeared.

"PERVERT! GET HIM!"

"Damn you Scott!" Silver screamed before running for his life.

STORY CHANGE: Emerald Epics

"Where's Silver with my condoms?" Gold asked pacing across the lemonade- damn it, recruitment stand. Emerald was too deep in her own thoughts to pay attention to Gold. All she could think of was Terry.

"Hey-a Gold? Can I ask you something?"

"Uh... sure. What's on your mind?"

"If you had to kill someone close to you, let's say-a Silver, to save your race, would you do it?" Gold stopped in mid-step. He wasn't expecting such a serious question.

"Uh... well, um... I don't know... I guess that depends on the race... well, uh... since this fic is half anime there's no telling from one race to the other, so let's pretend I'm black. Without black people, there'd be no hip-hop music, traffic signals, crack, breakdancing, and a heck of a whole lot less AIDS victims. I mean, use a freakin' condom for RTJ's sake, it won't kill you-," Gold began to become less focused. Emerald smacked him in the back of the head. "OW! What was that for?"

"YOU'RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT ENTIRELY!" Gold saw that there were tears shining in her eyes. She turned around and ran away from him towards the same route Sapphire and company were traveling on.

"Emerald, wait! I'm sorry!" Gold said chasing after her. "Don't go! If you leave then Silver won't give me his condoms! Come back!"


	9. Sand Trinity

CHAPTER 9

The next time Silver woke up he was in a cage. The angry feminists from before had knocked him unconscious and trapped him in a cage. Two of them loaded his cage into the back of their truck.

"Where are you taking me you psycho bitches?"

"To Rustboro City to meet the bitchiest feminist of them all. Our leader, Roxanne!"

"Hmm... is this Roxanne person hot?" The other feminist bashed a metal pole into his face, knocking him out again.

"DIE PERVERT!"

STORY CHANGE: Terry's Tales

Sapphire was sprinting to catch up with Ruby and Terry. They had completely lost their minds and continued singing the innuendo song.

Ruby: Let's say that we walked up to two gays

Terry: We-a say one passes and the other one plays

Ruby: We all no where the snake goes but never does it stay

Terry: If it's narcotic or erotic or possibly psychotic

It's a freakin' innuendo for- SISTER!

Terry stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Gold and Emerald coming straight for them.

"Sister? That's not how it goes," Ruby explained while stopping too. "It's 'If it's narcotic or erotic or possibly psychotic, it's a freakin' innuendo for you and _me_. Pay attention Kerry!"

"TERRY!"

"I still don't care dude..."

"Finally you assholes stopped!" Sapphire said. She stopped to catch her breath. "Let's get one thing straight. You're my monkey slaves! _I_ don't chase after _you_. _You_ chase after _me_! Damn it!"

"What's a-."

"I swear to God Ruby, if you ask what's a monkey again, I'll cut your nuts off and hang them over my fireplace!"

"EMERALD!" Terry called out to his sister. Gold and Emerald stopped running. Emerald wiped her face with her sleeve so no one would see that she was crying. "What-a are you doing here you sand encrusted little bitch!"

"YOU! How dare you? You know damn well why I'm out here! I'm bringing you back home to save our people!"

"Our _people_? Our-a people are ignorant boobs who worship something that will kill them! Our people can go fuck themselves for all I care!" Emerald didn't respond. She instead pulled three pokeballs off her belt.

"Have it your way... SAND TRINITY!" She released three pokemon at once, a Flygon, a Claydol and a Cacturne. Terry mentally kicked himself. He forgot that Emerald was the best trainer in their village.

"Oh snap..." He said soiling his pants. "Well-a I know when I'm beat... RUN BITCHES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

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Sorry dudes. The chappie ends here. I just don't have the intention span to finish it right now. Why don't I just continue later, you ask? Well, first off I'm kind of running out of ideas. I need to think for a while. And second, my Mom is staying around for a couple of days instead of going to work. Third, staring at the computer screen for too long hurts my brain. Again, I'm sorry and I'll have a long chapter in like three days. Hey, even geniuses need breaks! Oh, and I lied. This is the shortest chapter ever.


	10. Retarded Evil Scheme Number 1

CHAPTER 10

"No need to run friends!" Ruby said confidently. They actually had every reason to run. Terry's psychotic older sister was gonna murder each of them with her Flygon, Claydol and Cacturne. "You know why? Because when I shove a pen up my butt, I become..." He dropped his pants and... seriously, do I have to say it? "LASER TESTICLE MAN!" Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at Ruby as if he were insane... which he is.

"Oh man... he is soooooooooo dead..." Sapphire said fearing for Ruby's safety. Terry tapped her on the shoulder.

"I suggest we go-a on my idea from last chapter and run for our freakin' lives. Agreed?"

"Agreed. RUN!" Sapphire and Terry made a break for it and left Ruby behind them.

"HEY! Weren't you guys listening? Laser Testicle Me is gonna save the day!" Gold and Emerald were getting disgusted by Ruby's ignorance.

"Let me ask you something," Gold said.

"What?"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND!?"

"Quite possibly. What's your point?"

"His point is-a that do you really think shoving a pen up your butt is gonna turn you into some sort of super hero?"

"I sure as hell do!" Ruby said in a suddenly deeper voice. Suddenly, humongous, double barreled, ten foot laser cannon popped out of Ruby's pants zipper. It stared Gold and Emerald directly in the face.

"HOLY MOTHER HUMPING SISTER OF JESUS!" Gold screamed. He couldn't believe that Ruby's laser testicle nonsense was real. "THIS IS SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!"

"TWIN TESTICLE TERROR BLAST!" Ruby shouted. Gold and Emerald ducked just in time. Unfortunately, the local Nurse Joy was taking an afternoon stroll at the wrong place and wrong time. The blast burned her to ashes... again.

"OH-A MY GOD! HE KILLED NURSE JOY!"

"YOU BASTARD! THAT KID'S A FREAK! RUN FOR IT!" Just like Sapphire and Terry, they ran like the freakin' dickens.

"Ah, another good deed done," Ruby said pulling the pen out of his butt. This made the laser cannon retreat back into his testicles. Seriously, _I_ don't even understand that laser testicle thing... I'm kind of getting creeped out by own story... Let's see what Silver's doing!

STORY CHANGE: SILVER CHAPTERS

Silver woke up again and was still trapped in the cage. But now they put his cell in the middle of some sort rock type arena. A woman stood on top of a mini- mountain in front of Silver's cage.

"Are you Roxanne?"

"Yes pervert, I am."

"Why'd you people capture me?"

"I heard that you were trying to buy tampons-."

"FOR A TEAM MATE!"

"A likely story..." She leaped off the mini- mountain so she and Silver were eye level.

"I don't get it, what's so wrong about buying tampons- FOR A TEAM MATE!"

"Nothing really..."

"THEN WHY AM I HERE?!" Silver's rage was causing him to foam at the mouth.

"We feminists are conspiring to wipe out every male human in all existence... That's why we need dirty perverts like you..."

"WTF!?"

"Don't speak L33T. This isn't some kind of noob forum..."

"Why would you want to take out all men? Don't we get you aroused anymore? And don't you need us to IMPREGNATE you?"

"What you fail to understand is that all feminists are lesbians. So we'll just harvest all the sperm from you and then impregnate ourselves. And in the event that we have sons we'll just harvest their sperm and kill them later."

"Okay... besides that being the dumbest thing I've ever heard, can I say something?"

"What is it?"

"I have the entire dictionary tattooed on my penis. Would you like me to put words in your mouth?"

"YOU DIRTY LITTLE PERVERT!" She tried punching him in the face but he stepped backwards.

"HA! Looks like I'm not the only pervert here!"

"Wh- what do you mean?"

"I saw you look down at my penis when I said that dictionary thing. I can tell you're not a lesbian, you just say you are!"

"Sh- sh- shut up! You don't know me!" Roxanne was getting scared. What Silver was saying was true.

"I don't know you but I know your type. A pretty young woman like you probably gets the Minge filled every day and likes it. You don't want people to know that you're some sort of slut so you pretend to turn to feminism to hide your insecurities. But now you're in too deep aren't you bitch? They're indirectly _forcing _you to eradicate anything with a penis and there's nothing you can do about it because you're THEIR FREAKIN' LEADER! Aren't you? Aren't you? AREN'T YOU!?" Roxanne sank to the floor holding her head in pain. Everything Silver just said was true but she was too afraid to admit it. Two of the feminist guards came in to the room.

"That pervert's hurting Roxanne! Get him!" One of them took out a metal pole and jabbed Silver in the face with it again.

"I'm not through with you yet bitch..." Silver said before going unconscious again.

"Watch out for him..." Roxanne said getting back up. "He knows how to manipulate the mind... Tricky bastard..."

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I'm in so much doo-doo right now. My Mom caught me on the computer! She decided to be nice and let me finish writing but tomorrow she's taking away the mouse AGAIN! But trust me... I have my ways... Silver's not the only tricky bastard around here...


	11. Sapphire Quits

CHAPTER 11

Gold and Emerald had ran as far as they could from Ruby. Their trek of cowardice had lead them to the outskirts of Petalburg City.

"EMERALD!" Gold shouted in her ear.

"OW! STOP-A SHOUTING! ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME DEAF!? I'M RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!" She grabbed her in pain. "What-a the hell do you want?"

"I may not know anything about Hoenn pokemon but I know strong pokemon when I see them! Why didn't you fight that freak?"

"He-a sprouted _laser cannons_ from his _testicles_! Why the fuck do you think I ran? And what about you?"

"What _about_ me?" Gold said jadedly. This was quickly turning into an argument.

"_You_ ran before me and you're calling _me_ a coward? Where-a I come from, men are supposed to be leaders! You're a bigger pussy then the one between my thighs!" Gold struggled for a comeback.

"Well... uh... you talk weird!"

"I have-a my people's accent. But I can learn to not talk like this. YOU HOWEVER ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE A PUSSY!"

"I-uh-I-WELL I FUCKED YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT!"

"MY MOM'S DEAD YOU-A ASSHOLE!" Gold was just dealt the ultimate comeback to a 'I fucked your mom last night' joke. This unfortunately for Emerald was true. "Ever-a since I met you, you've been a complete jerk to me!"

"Well, maybe if you just weren't so sensitive all the time then everything I say won't offend you!" Emerald was fed up with Gold and walked on ahead of him towards the next route. "So you're just gonna walk away and expect me to chase after you again? Hell no! You're the one who's gonna chase after me! DAMN!"

Scott (from a couple chapters back) was given a message by the feminists to give to Gold. He saw Gold running by before and followed him. He waited until Gold and Emerald stopped fighting to talk to him.

"Are you Silver's stupid older brother?"

"I'M NOT STUPID!"

"Are you his brother or not?"

"Yes I am. Now what do you want?"

"Your brother has been abducted by feminists and sent to Rustboro City. If you ever want to see him again, I suggest you go little dude," Scott said before taking off again.

"Silver's been abducted by feminists? Oh snap! Emerald! I need your help! WE'RE GOING ON A RESCUE MISSION!"

STORY CHANGE: SAPPHIRE STORIES

Sapphire and Terry also ran for their lives. They had charged into the first the building they saw: the local gym. But this was much different then in the games. Norman immediately pushed Terry into a chair that looked like a black dentist's chair.

"Any requests before I rip your eyes out kid?"

"MABUYAMANAKA!" Terry screamed in his native language. It roughly translates to 'HOLY CRAP'.

"Um, excuse me?" Sapphire said tapping Norman on the shoulder. "You need to consult with me before ripping the eyes out of my property, sir," Sapphire said without fear of this maniac.

"Property? Don't me-a and Ruby mean anything to you?" Terry asked.

"Not really. Now what do you want with Terry's eyes?" She asked.

"That's a good question. I need them for my daughter. Uh... let me explain," he added seeing the confused look on their faces. "Let me introduce my daughter: Marie Antoinette von Chico (tee hee)!" A little girl carrying a Banette on her shoulders suddenly teleported in front of them. Everything about her was pale. Her skin, her dress, everything. Sapphire looked into her eyes and saw that they were pearly gray. She was blind. What was even more disturbing was that her Banette tracked every little movement with its own eyes, as if it was seeing for her... Banette tapped her on the top of the head to tell her to turn to her father and Terry.

"Daddy! Stop trying to take people's eyes! I don't need them!" She grabbed Terry by the hand and led him to one of the back rooms.

"Damn... I don't understand it!" Norman cursed. "She knows I can give her sight back so why does she insist on being blind for the rest of her life?"

"Damn! This is called Sapphire Stories! How come we're doing chapters about blind girls (who will eventually join the good guy team) instead of me!? I'M THE FRIGGGIN MAIN CHARACTER!" Sapphire could care less about Norman's problems. "That's it! I'm quitting the story until there's more stuff about _me_! CHAPPIE ENDS HERE BITCHES! AND RTJ, YOU BETTER HAVE SOMETHING GOOD NEXT CHAPTER!

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Oh snap! I hope she was just kidding about that quitting part... Then there will be no story, thus ending my only hobby besides video games and masturbation! And didn't I tell you I'm a tricky bastard? But I'm gonna have to write short chapters until I find the time to write big ones. I'M RICH BITCH! ... In ideas... not money...


	12. Golden Memories

CHAPTER 12

"RTJ! WAKE UP YOU BASTARD!" Sapphire screamed. She had climbed her way through my computer to talk to me in person. Too bad she had to come at four in the morning.

"How dare you?" I said sitting up in my bed. "I am the one who answers only to I am who am! The Alpha and Omega! I'm-."

"A powerless misguided teenager in his pajamas who will die by either gun shot or painful Treecko bites if he doesn't listen to me!"

"Shutting up..."

"Good. NOW WHAT'S THE FRIGGIN' DEAL WITH THE STORY!?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"There's almost never anything about me anymore! Shouldn't _I_ as the semi-insane, rage controlled heroine, have more chapters to myself?"

"Uh... I get where you're coming from but you're not the only person in this fic. And furthermore, _you_ don't tell me what to do. I'M A GOD DAMN IT!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "In this fic I can do whatever I want. I can kill your grandpa with a snap of my fingers!" I immediately snap my fingers. "There's he dead!"

"YOU KILLED GRANDPA WALT!?" Sapphire screamed disbelievingly. "Who'll give me presents and tools for world denomination now?"

"Beats me... GET OUT OF MY REALITY!" I said pushing her into the computer screen. She like so many others disappeared into the computer, back in her rightful place. "Now that that's done... STORY CHANGE!"

STORY CHANGE: Golden Flames

Gold (senior) had just found out that I killed his father. In a tenth of a second (under my power) he assembled all the people his father knew and brought them to the funeral in Johto. All of Gold and Crystal's friends from the old story had gathered there as well.

"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we lay you now in the earth's-." Gold was already screwing up the funeral. Crystal nudged him in the arm.

"You're supposed to do the eulogy first stupid!" She whispered in his ear.

"Oh snap... where was I... Oh yeah! What can we say about Walter Jeremiah Ryu? Some called him a maniac and they were right. Some called him a genius and they were right. Some called him a man whore and oh were they right! I however, called him a father along with two others. Daddy's journey was a twisted one. He was a struggling pokemon trainer who after many failures, had sex with every woman he saw. His first son Red was wiped out of existence by yours truly. His daughter Karen turned evil and was never seen again. And then there was me... and you all know how fucked up I am... Desperate to find me and Red, he and Karen formed the evil organization P.O.O.T. His involvement in P.O.O.T deleted whatever sanity he had left and instead used P.O.O.T to try to burn the world into oblivion.

"Then... why? Why should we be mourning the death of a maniac? I'll tell you why. Because not only was he a maniac, he was a friend, father and fucker to each one of us... but not all at once cuz' that would be creepy... He may have once been an enemy or accidentally turned you into a Ninetales- that was kind of funny actually. Hey Hiro! You remember that time he turned you into a Ninetales a second time and then told that chick we were doing a donkey show and we released you on her? She had black fur in her vagina for a week!" Gold reminisced completely forgetting about his father.

"I remember Gold but wasn't that your mother we did that to?" Hiro asked.

"Yes..." Gold said removing the smile on his face. "I can't help it if my mom's a 49 year old slut..."

"Baby, you're not focusing again..." Crystal warned.

"Oh sorry... In short, we had generally good times with daddy. His spirit continues to live on through his grandchildren Gold Jr. and Sapphire... but not Silver Jr. because they share no blood relation. Let his soul rest in peace... and just in case there is no afterlife let his existence be shattered for all eternity ... um... what do I do now honey?" Gold asked Crystal.

"The ashes to ashes thing..."

"Right. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we lay you now in the earth's crust." They finally dropped his father's tomb into his grave. "Okay... um... what the fuck do you people want? Get off my property bitches!" Gold chased everyone who wasn't one of his old friends away. Gold didn't feel like spending any money so they buried his dad in the backyard of his gym.

"HIRO!"

"GOLD!" Gold and Hiro jumped up and hugged each other. The two best friends/ gym leaders haven't seen each other in years.

"You guys finally decided to be homosexual?" Hiro's wife Tit (yes her name is Tit) asked. Gold and Hiro let go of each other immediately.

"Screw you Tit," Gold said. He then turned to Hiro. "How's life been treating you dude?"

"Not bad, but Tit still won't let me have sex anymore..."

"Crystal won't let me do her too! What's your excuse?"

"I accidentally got her pregnant."

"But that was 10 years ago..."

"Please don't remind me..." Hiro said looking depressed at his own penis.

"Well, I lost Sapphire somehow and then I sent Gold and Silver after her but they never came back. Now I'm stuck with just internet porn now and-." Gold was interrupted by Copper. Copper grabbed him by the hand and dragged him into the gym.

"Gold! I've found Silver!"

"Really! Does he have Gold with him? If so, then I can finally start hittin' that shexay ass again!" Out of sheer happiness he started doing the Dutty Wine dance (if you don't know what that is then I suggest you go to youtube... I have a weird taste in music...).

"Gold you don't understand-."

"Fuck in the water, fuck in the sea

Fuck in the bushes, fuck in a tree

If you fuck on the bed you're not fucking me

Fuck on the floor, fuck on the T.V

Fuck on the dresser, break up the figurine

Fuck on the fan, no chick ever fingers me

When I see a gal that triggers me

Fuck anywhere, LET FUCK BE FREE!" Gold sang, completely ignoring Copper.

"GOLD STOP! I meant the original Silver!" Upon hearing this, Gold punched Copper in the mouth. "OW! What was that for you ass munch?"

"I CAN'T BANG SILVER YOU ASSHOLE!"

"And you better not even try lest something terrible happens to your manhood," Silver said stepping out of the shadows. Silver was a train wreck to say the least. All of his clothes were ripped and dirty. He smelled like the toilet on a bad day and he had hair growing down to his shins.

"HOLY CRAP! Silver! What the hell happened to you? Where'd you find him Copper?"

"He was out in front eating from the garbage can."

"Wait... the tattered clothing, the sweat stains, the strange odors, the mass of battered hair... you've either replaced Goku from Dragonball Z or you're a hobo..."

"I-um-well-I," Silver stuttered.

"YOU'RE A HOBO! HOLY SHIT! THIS MEANS _I _HAVE LED A MORE SUCCESSFUL LIFE THAN _YOU_!"

"You don't have to rub it in..."

"Yes I do! You told me thirteen years ago that I would fail at everything I do and you'll be ruler of the world. But now I'm the leader of a successful gym and you're a homeless bastard eating out of _my_ trash cans! OH THE IRONY!"

"Yeah... um... Gold... uh... can I live with you guys until I get my act together?"

"Silver... you've tried to kill me on numerous occasions, mocked me and took Crystal's virginity before I did... OF COURSE YOU CAN STAY WITH US!"

"Huh?"

"You're also our friend dude! This is beautiful! It's like the old gang is coming back together again! And all it took was the death of somebody we all cared about! INSANITY ENSUES!"

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You guys didn't honestly think I forgot about you did you? I've had a lot on my mind lately and I've been having problems at home but it's okay now. I've talked to my mom and I finally convinced her to let me use the computer freely. OH YEAH BITCHES!


	13. God Damn These Naming Confusions

CHAPTER 13

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Sapphire shrieked as I sent her back to her own world. She was jettisoned through Marie's computer screen and crashed head first into the wall. "OW! Son of a bitch!" She got up from the floor to find something horrible. Marie had somehow put Terry in a dress and tied him to a chair. She was forcing him to play in her tea party. Her Banette was still staring menacingly at anything that moved.

"Do you want some more tea Mrs. Nesbit?"

"Who-a the hell is Mrs. Nes-bitch because it-a sure as hell isn't me! And how the fuck did a _blind little girl_ tie me up Am-a I that weak?"

"In order: You're Mrs. Nes-bitch- I mean bit- BECAUSE I SAY SO! You got tied up because I threatened to shoot you in the neck and you started crying. It was pretty easy to subdue you... And yes, you are that weak. NOW DRINK BITCH!" Marie tried shoving the entire tea pot down Terry's throat.

"OK! That does it!" Saph pushed Marie away from Terry. "He's my bitch! Let's roll up out this place Jerry!"

"TERRY!"

"Don't care! Let's bounce!" Sapphire dragged Terry by his collar and dragged him out of the room.

"Hey! You can't steal from a blind girl!"

"Apparently I can. At least you can have fun with that _Banette _of yours..." Sapphire said before leaving. Marie was speechless. Somehow, Sapphire guessed that she uses Banette to see. How could someone like Sapphire notice something her own father couldn't?

"Thank-a you Sapphire!" Terry said as Saph untied him. "The fresh air never smelled so sweet!"

"I am pretty awesome aren't I-?"

"HI GUYS!" They both turned to find Ruby chasing after them.

"RUBY! YOU'RE NOT DEAD!" Sapphire dropped Terry and hugged Ruby.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S RUBY AND HE'S NOT DEAD!" Ruby screamed. "HI RUBY!" Ruby broke away from Sapphire and hugged a nearby tree.

"But you're you little idiot..."

"You-a traitor..." Terry hissed at Sapphire.

"What did I do?"

"You _hugged_ him!"

"Oh that! I just did that to steal the wallet from his back pocket. See?" Sapphire said showing the wallet to him.

"Oh... HOLY-A MOTHER HUMPING SISTER OF JESUS!" Terry shrieked. A thunderous noise came from Norman's gym. The three friends watched as the roof of the gym was blown off. Marie came floating out of the hole with thousands of ghost pokemon swirling around her.

"GIVE ME BACK MRS. NESBITCH!"

"Damn it! Can't we-a go anywhere without being chased down by the police or some-a freak?" Terry complained.

"RUN FOR IT! AGAIN!" Saph screamed as she dragged her two friends away in to the forest.

STORY CHANGE: Silver Ice

"Gold! Are you sure this was a good idea?" Somehow Gold had tricked him into riding Gold's old Pidgeot, Whirlwind, back to Hoenn. "Why didn't we ride with Crystal?"

"Where's your sense of adventure Silver? We're only twenty-seven! We've got plenty of time to worry about shit!"

"But Whirlwind's not as strong as it used to be. We might fall..." Gold bitch slapped Silver across the face.

"Don't you ever insult my pokemon! If anything, Whirlwind's even stronger! We're incapable of falling!"

"BUT WE'RE STILL CAPABLE OF CRASHING! LOOK OUT!" Whirlwind was about to crash into a helicopter with the word 'Magma' written on the side.

"Pull up!" Gold commanded Whirlwind. The Pidgeot soared out of the helicopter's way but also dropped Silver in the process. "SILVER!"

"I HATE YOU GOLD!" Silver screamed as he fell into the forest below. Luckily, he completely missed the canopy of tree branches and crashed headfirst into none other then Gold Junior.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Gold shrieked as Silver senior crashed into him. "Watch where your going you piece- HOLY CRAP! SILVER! EMERALD STOP!" Emerald stopped walking and turned back to her comrade. "I FOUND SILVER!"

"Gold? Weren't you just up there? And why do you look so youthful?"

"Silver? Why do you look so old and smelly? What did those feminists do to you?"

"Feminists? Hmm... Is your name Gold Junior?"

"That's what my underwear band tells me. And you're Silver Junior. Remember?"

"No I'm Silver _Senior_."

"Okay... this is getting-a way to weird for me. I'm-a out of here!" Emerald said before taking off again.

"Damn! Why do you keep doing that! Hey! Old Silver! Come with us! I'll explain what's going on later!" Gold grabbed Silver by the wrist and ran after Emerald with him.


	14. The Forest of Confusion

CHAPTER 14

Silver Junior was reclining in the back of his cage when Roxanne came in to check in on him. She had given him a Playdude magazine to jack off to so they could fulfill her evil plan to some extent.

"Are you done yet?"

"Let me answer you with my own question. Were you high when you came up with this plan or is RTJ incredibly stupid?"

"What's wrong with my plan?"

"You expect me to pull a Peter Griffin and fill an entire sperm bank?! I'm just one dude! And too much masturbation at one time can cause you to piss out your own blood!"

"Eww..."

"And another thing! Playdude is utter bull shit!" Silver tossed the porn magazine through the bars and into Roxanne's arms.

"What the hell's wrong now?"

"Just because a picture of a naked girl is in a magazine doesn't make it good porn. I DEMAND VIDEO PORN!"

"What?! I can't get a computer in here!"

"The little white soldiers aren't gonna march unless one of you or your lackeys get naked – RIGHT HERE; RIGHT NOW!" Roxanne sighed and started unbuttoning her shirt.

"Fine..."

"Oh snap! I didn't think that was gonna work," Silver thought to himself. "Yay! Big titties are mine!" Sorry all you horny bastards out there, can't describe any nude stuff at all. I don't want to this to be rated M. Nothing personal.

STORY CHANGE: Ruby Fantasies

"What the fuck did you guys do to piss that crazy little girl?!" Ruby screamed as the three of them ran into Petalburg woods. Marie was chasing after them in a purple and black cloud of ghost pokemon. They could still hear her shouting, 'GIVE ME BACK MRS. NESBIT!' "And who the fuck is Mrs. Nesbit?"

"No time to explain, keep moving!" Sapphire ordered. It was not long before the tree tops completely blocked them from Marie's view. They stopped to catch their breath.

"Now-a where are we?" Terry asked.

"Crikey! Young negro, how could you not know about the famed Petalburg Woods?" Ruby asked in an Australian accent.

"One, why are you talking like Steve Irwin (rest his soul) and two, why do you still-a think I'm black?"

"You mean you're not?"

"YES!"

"I guess this means you're not going to black heaven..."

"What? There's no-a distinctions between heavens due to race. There-a is no black heaven or white heaven or-."

"There is a white heaven and black heaven! They're called heaven and hell!"

"RASCIST BASTARD!" Terry tackled Ruby to the ground. Sapphire on the other hand, has been trying to fight off a rogue Slaking while Terry and Ruby were fighting each other.

"WOULD YOU TWO SONS OF BITCHES HELP ME?!" She screamed as the Slaking chased her and Pancakes up a tree. They climbed higher so the Slaking couldn't see them among the leaves. Slaking reared it's fist back to punch the tree down. Before it made contact, Sapphire jumped out of the tree and drop kicked it right between the eyes. The Slaking fell on to its back, holding its face in pain.

"QUICK ATTACK!" Pancakes zoomed out of the tree and tackled Slaking right in the nuts. "Bull's eye bitch! Hmm... What did Daddy tell me to do when I've overpowered a pokemon...? First a kick to the face, then a blow to the nuts... what was that third thing...? Oh yeah! A pokeball to the poke-balls!" Sapphire pulled a pokeball from her pocket and tossed into Slaking's jewels.

Slaking couldn't resist getting captured. It was to pre occupied with holding it's now shattered testicles.

"I CAUGHTSTED ME A POKEMONS!" Sapphire shouted joyously. She looked around for the others. Ruby and Terry had stopped fighting and were now checking if Ruby's farts still smell like flowers.

"Nope. Still-a smells like lilacs," Terry said.

"Damn! Why does this keep happening?" Sapphire, overwhelmed with fury, punched each of them in the nose. "OW! What was that for?"

"I was fighting a gorilla thingy for my life and you two are smelling each other's farts instead of helping me!"

"What's-." They both started at the same time.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT A GORILLA IS EITHER! Come on you idiots..." Sapphire said finally giving up on her friend's stupidity. "I need to get smarter friends..."

The rest of the path was pretty uneventful except for when they reached the middle of the forest. A middle aged man was being pushed around by a man in a blue bandana with a weird symbol on it. The bandana guy released his Poochyena.

"Give me the goods and no one gets hurt bitch!"

"If you want the goods then its twenty bucks and if we're gonna do this then you have to rent a hotel."

"What? What're you- EWW! I'M NOT TRYING TO RAPE YOU IDIOT! I'M ROBBING YOU!"

"Oh... HEY KIDS!" The middle aged man said to Sapphire, Ruby and Terry. "I'LL PAY YOU TO PROTECT ME FROM THIS GUY!" The gang huddled up first.

"I say-a we do it," Terry said.

"Let me handle this," Ruby said. He walked up to Poochyena and pats it on the head.

"What are you doing?" Sapphire asked.

"UNHOLY DOG KICK OF THE DEVIL!" Ruby shouted before kicking the Poochyena over 50 feet away. The bandana guy went chasing after it.

"Wow-a I could have thought of that..."

"But you didn't. Now give me my money," Ruby demanded. He turned around to find that both Sapphire and the employer gone. "HOLY MICHAEL JACKSON'S PUBIC HAIR! HE LEFT WITHOUT PAYING ME!"

"And-a he kidnapped Sapphire!"

"Do you honestly give a ratatta's ass about what happens to her?"

"Nope..."

"Then it's settled! Go after the money!" Ruby and Terry went running farther into the forest. In reality, Sapphire just went behind a tree to take a piss. They were leaving without knowing she was behind them.

"Where the hell is everybody? Did I miss something?" Sapphire asked to no one in particular.

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Okay I admit it, I'm a lazy bastard. I've been doing nothing but sleeping for the past week. I haven't forgotten about you guys and gals out there. I'll have something when I feel like writing again.


	15. Roxanne's Vaginal Deviance

CHAPTER 14

Team GS plus Silver senior were finally about to leave the Petalburg Woods when Gold's pokegear started ringing.

"Hello you have reached Gold Jr., AKA Mr. Sexiliscous- OW!" Emerald smacked him in the back of the head. "Damn! Who's callin'?"

"Hey bro!"

"Silver? Is that you?"

"Sure is. Oh and there's been a mistake. _I_ win!"

"Huh?"

"Remember that deal we made about you losing your virginity first? I win!"

"WHAT!? We already agreed that I won! The deal was whoever recruited Emerald first would win! I WON! ME! NOT YOU!"

"Well... I just changed the rules because my baby Roxanne here has just been fucked out of her mind. Isn't that right babe?" Gold heard a far off feminine voice say 'That's right' on the other side of the line.

"You can't change the rules if I already wo- ROXANNE!?"

"Yeah... what about her?"

"Isn't she the bitch that kidnapped you?!"

"Yes and don't call her a bitch, dick sucker!"

"Let me get this straight... she kidnaps you for some sick and twisted plot... then you wind up doing fourth base with her- WHICH GOES AGAINST OUR DEAL ENTIRELY! IS THAT RIGHT!?"

"Pretty much."

"How the fuck did that happen?"

"In the last chapter she was just gonna strip for me but she thought this way was better and so do I..." Silver said seductively.

"But- but- she's just using you! You're her toy! We're coming to rescue you!"

"So? I like being a toy! I'm staying here forever!"

"QUIT BEING RETARDED! YOU'RE A SLAVE TO YOUR OWN PENIS AND ROXANNE'S HOLDING THE CHAINS! AS YOUR BROTHER/ FATHER, I ORDER YOU TO STOP!"

"KISS MY JAPANESE ASS! GO SHOVE PICKLES UP YOUR ASS YOU MOTHERFUCKING MAN-GINA!"

"I- you-she- YOU'RE NOT JAPANESE! AND WHAT THE HELL'S A MAN-GINA!?"

"ANATA MOCHIMASU KO SANA PENISU!" Silver shouted in Japanese (translation: You have a tiny penis. I spent a little time off from this to learn how to speak Japanese...). Silver got fed up and hung up on Gold.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Gold screamed before tossing his pokegear into a tree in a fit of rage. "That does it! I don't care how much free sex she's giving him! That son of a bitch is mine!"

"Gold are-a you alright?" Emerald asked.

"NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT! Me and Silver vowed a long time ago that we will grab the world by its balls and then eat them! He and I are supposed so lick the world's crusty balls_ together! _I'M COMING FOR YOU SILVER! THAT FREE SEX GIVING SKANK WILL NEVER BREAK TEAM GS!" Gold shouted before running out of the forest.

"You shouldn't have asked..." Silver senior said to Emerald.

"I-a realize that now..."

STORY CHANGE: Ruby Fantasies

Ruby and Terry were still in pursuit of the man Ruby rescued. The man still was out of sight and they were just about to give up when they found a small lake in their path.

"Shit! How-a are we gonna catch up to him?"

"Hmm..." Ruby said out of deep thought. "This looks like a job for-."

"Oh no... Please don't say laser-."

"LASER TESTICLE MAN!"

"God hates me..." Terry sighed. Ruby had already shoved the pen up his butt and in a matter of seconds, two laser cannons sprouted from you know where.

"Time to laser up some stuff!" Ruby shouted before shooting a couple of rounds in random directions. Terry had to hide behind a bush to avoid getting hit. In a matter of minutes, Ruby had shot down nearly a quarter of the forest.

"Is it-a over?"

"Yes. Once again laser testicle man saves the day!"

"That accomplished nothing!" Terry shrieked as he glanced at the carnage. "You-a annihilated everything within a fifty foot radius! Thank-a the golem of the sand that you didn't hit me!"

"I am pretty awesome, aren't I? PEN EJECT!"

"Wha- OW!" Ruby had dropped his pants and ejected the pen out of his butt and into Terry's eye.

"Holy crap! Are you alright dude?"

"NO-A! I'M NOT-A ALRIGHT! A FRIGGIN PEN JUST FLEW INTO MY EYE!"

"Uh... this will probably be insult to injury but... you do remember where that pen just was right?" Terry took a couple of seconds to figure it out.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THERE'S-A DOO-DOO IN MY EYE!" Terry ran into the lake to wash his eyes out. Ruby had lost interest in Terry again and started scouting around for the exit.

"Looks like we can walk around this lake to leave the forest- DAAAAAAAAH!" Ruby turned back to Terry only to see Terry's horrible death. A Feraligatr sprang out of the lake and swallowed the unsuspecting Terry whole.

"BARRY! NO! Why must the foreign die young? Why couldn't you have died honorably on the crapper like Elvis? Who will tell me what my farts smell like next? Dearest friend- my heart shall grieve for you for all eternity- I'm over it..." Ruby quickly stated before leaving for the exit. He wasn't gonna grieve for or remember Terry for a while.

Don't worry about it. Terry will be back, trust me. He was swallowed whole, remember?

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I realize that I'm a dirty ol' bastard. I told y'all that I came back and then I don't submit anything for weeks. I'm sorry but I have an intention span lower then Ruby's.


	16. Racism with Ruby and Dick S Huge

CHAPTER 16

"Holy crap it's a Negro!" Ruby shouted. He had escaped Petalburg Woods by himself, leaving Sapphire alone and Terry inside of a Feraligatr's stomach (he's fine, trust me). Instead of walking to Rustboro he decided to wait for the bus at the bus stop. There he met a black man.

"Uh... I'm guessing you don't meet a lot of black people, do you, kid?"

"That's right! You're the first black person I've ever seen!"

"Uh... great... My name is Dick. S. Huge."

"I know all of the racial slurs for black people! Wanna hear them?"

"No."

"Too bad! You're hearing them anyway! There's... 925er, abd, Alabama blue gums, albino, Feraligatr bait, Ann, ape, Aunt Jemima, Buffie, colored, coon, crow, darky, Mississippi mud, gable, golliwogg, jiggaboo, Jim Crow, Jim fish, Inkface, Kaffir, Macaca, makak, Mammy, moke, mongrel, monkey, mosshead, munt, mustard seed, Nigger, nigga, napkin nigger, niglet, Oreo, porch monkey, powder burn, quashie, sambo, smoked Irish, sooty, spook, tar baby, teapot, thicklips, uncle Tom and zebra," Ruby said without taking a single breath.

"You racist motherfucker!" Dick said trying to get a hold of Ruby's neck.

"Wait there's more! You should hear what Asians call you guys, like kuronbo and or huge penis jockeys and-." Dick picked Ruby up by his collar and prepared to punch but stopped himself and regained his poseur.

"You do realize that there are racial slurs for white people too, right?" Dick said, his patience wearing thin. If this was gonna be a racist fight then he might as well turn it around.

"Like what?"

"Well... there's cracker and um... vanilla babies and uh..."

"Ha! So what dude? I _like _eating crackers and vanilla!"

"You're missing the point, you little powdered doughnut!"

"Don't call me a powdered doughnut (also delicious) you tar monkey!"

"Cheese eater!"

"How come you can only come up with food stereotypes, tar monkey?"

"I don't know, that's just how it is with white slurs, you little dandruff skinned asshole!"

"Blackhead!"

"Queenie's little bitch!"

"Elephant feed!"

"Flat booty!"

"USED FARM EQUIPMENT!" That one was the straw that broke the camerupt's back. Dick punched Ruby in the jaw and immediately knocked out one of his teeth. Then a cop suddenly came from behind Dick and put them both in handcuffs.

"What the hell are these for?"

"Both of you are under arrest for hate violence against each other's respective race."

"But I don't hate black people!" Ruby pleaded. "I love everybody! Except French people... those God damn pussies... they should all mount themselves on top of that giant penis they call the Eiffel Tower and have sex with it like the worthless bleeding vaginas that they are!" The cop and Dick stared at him as if he was crazy for a couple of seconds.

"Are you on some kind of drug boy?"

"What are you looking at me for? Blackyboo over there's the one with the crack."

"I'd kill you if I wasn't handcuffed!"

"Shut up! You're both going to jail you racist sons of bitches!"

"Oh shit," Dick and Ruby said at the same time.

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Yes people, I still have a pulse. I haven't submitted anything because of two reasons. 1) I was actually thinking the story through instead of making shit up as I write and I had plenty of time to do that because of reason 2. 2) I _really_ screwed up in school. First I got suspended for punching a kid in the gut (I take anger management now...) and my grades have been falling dramatically so my mom's been taking the mouse out of the computer again. And if that wasn't enough, she found the secret mouse I use when she takes the first one away. It's been what, like a month now since I last wrote something? The next couple of chapters will be really short again (if there's still a keyboard and a mouse to write them with).

Oh and if anybody was offended by the excessive racism in this chapter I apologize. I'm a black male who... is extremely racist. I hate _all_ races (including my own) so it doesn't matter to me who I make fun of in this thing. But since I love reviews with a sexual passion (just kidding... or am I?), if the racism is getting to bad just tell me and I'll stop... I'm such a naughty bastard...

-RTJ (INSIGNIA BITCHES!)


	17. A Whole Bunch of Story Changes

CHAPTER 17

"The pain! The pain of it all!" Silver shouted as he pulled his pants back on. "Damn... I finally realize what they're always bitching about in hentai porn movies... sex hurts after a while... I feel like my left nut just exploded from the inside... but not the right one. The right one is feeling surprisingly fresh..." He finally collapsed back down to metal floor of his cage holding his stick and stones in pain. He and Roxanne have been having sex for nearly eighteen hours straight. Roxanne finished buttoning her shirt.

"Fine, we're done here," she said leaving Silver's cage. "I've collected enough sperm from you to keep those stupid lesbos happy for a millennium."

"Huh? You were just using me?"

"Pretty much."

"But... but... I thought you and I..."

"You're not gonna say something stupid like you thought I was in love with you or something are you?"

"Well, yes! Why would you have sex with me if you didn't?" Roxanne giggled and pinched his cheeks.

"You're so naïve it's cute! I don't know what world you live on but nowadays people have sex with just about anyone."

"I'm not just _anyone_."

"Whatever. Lets just get one thing straight. I feel nothing when it comes to the opposite sex. I was just feeling horny and I needed my plans done. I don't need you or your penis anymore." She left the room leaving Silver all on his own.

"This sucks and blows... no innuendo intended..." Silver muttered to himself. "Luckily, I always have my ass- I mean ace in the hole... no innuendo intended again... MANGE!" Silver called out. As soon as he said that, his Magby burrowed out of the ground. It was waiting there since he came to Rustboro.

"I told her that I'm not just anyone... I'll make her pay..." Silver said, swearing eternal vengeance.

STORY CHANGE: Ruby Fantasies

"Wow... a black man in jail. How original..." Dick said sarcastically. He and Ruby were safely locked away in prison. Ruby already assimilated into the prison lifestyle. He was sitting down and talking with their other three roommates.

"Quit your whining and meet our cellmates." Having nothing better to do, he sat down with them. "Okay first off, we all get new prison names. The guys say that I'm On My Period," Ruby said. The other cellmates started chuckling at him.

"You're a racist _and_ a hermaphrodite? Lord please, say it ain't so..." Dick said.

"No! On my Period is my nickname! I'M ON MY PERIOD!" Ruby shouted causing the others to laugh at him again. "Anyway... This is my friend Dick-."

"We're not friends!"

"Whatever! Dick meet Fire-rape, The Proctologist and Big Daddy." Fire-rape was a scrawny kid who looked only about a year older then Ruby. He kept rocking back and forth, staring at the flame on the top of his smuggled lighter.

"What's wrong with him?" Dick asked.

"Fire-rape says he's in here for arson, suffers from pyromania and loves fire with a sexual passion." Ruby explained.

"FIRE MAKES ME SO HORNY!" Fire-rape shrieked at the top of his lungs, his right eye twitching violently.

"Um... okay... and why do they call him the proctologist? Isn't that an ass doctor?" Dick asked.

"Proctologist is a mute homosexual. But even though he can't speak it is still a bad idea to drop the soap around him in the showers if you know what I mean..." Big Daddy explained. Proctologist was staring at Ruby's butt the whole time.

"And you? How come they call you Big Daddy? You're a midget!" Ruby questioned.

"Because I'm blessed," he said pointing to his penis.

"Blessed?" Big Daddy stood up and dropped his pants in front of them.

"DAMN! YOU'RE CARRYING A SECOND MIDGET IN YOUR PANTS! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!" Dick shrieked.

"I'm feeling good about this group," Ruby thought out loud.

"Why? Because they're more messed up than you?"

"No. Because they're gonna help us bust out of this place... next chapter..."

STORY CHANGE: Sapphire Stories

Sapphire had finally made it out of the forest on her own. She was banged up from all the pokemon that attacked her and was ready to fall over and die.

"Captain's log," Sapphire said to herself as she limped along the road. "I've made it out of the forest barely alive. Prolonged exposure to the wilderness must have affected my state of my mind because I'm talking to no one and I'm not a captain. All hopes of finding my monkey slaves have been crushed. I was left to die with only a weak Treecko and a Slaking that will rip my head off if I let it out of the ball. And yet I still made it out with just a fraction of my life. Now... I feel like... like... tacos..." Sapphire groaned as she collapsed onto the cold hard road.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" A familiar voice from behind her asked. Sapphire turned around to see Marie (the psychotic little blind girl that uses a horde of ghost pokemon who wants Terry) standing over her.

"Um... hi?"

"Where's my Mrs. Nesbit?" Marie snarled.

"I don't know either..."

"Humph... then you're coming with me! Dusclops!" The last thing Sapphire saw before she blacked out was a piercing red eye staring back at her.

STORY CHANGE: Golden Flames

Things weren't going well on Gold senior's side either. Crystal was chewing him out for losing yet another person.

"Gold. This problem of yours is really starting to get on my nerves."

"What problem? I don't have a problem- did you find about the weed I keep in the fridge?"

"Weed? What weed?"

"Um... nothing. So, my problem, what is it?"

"Well, all you seem to do lately is lose, honey. First it was that really bad losing streak at the gym. Then you lost Sapphire-."

"No I didn't! Why can't you just admit that I had a random stroke of genius and Sapphire won her freedom fair and square?"

"I can't because it isn't _possible_ for you to have a random stroke of genius. Let me ask the same question that she did. What's 7x+29ab?"

"Uh... Nintendo Wii?"

"Exactly my point. And then you sent Gold and Silver out to look for Sapphire and they're probably dead somewhere. And to top it all off, you lose Silver senior, one of our oldest friends. I'm worried about you Golden Boy..."

"Hmm... I may have lost a lot of things and people but I know someone who finds things... I think it's time to call up my baby brother..."

STORY CHANGE (again... this is getting tiring...) Platinum Volts (never got to use this one much in the first story)

Gold's little brother and Sapphire's uncle Platinum has grown up they last saw him. He's become even more of a maniac and a semi- successful detective in Johto. Presently, he was having his secretary write down his life story.

"I was brought into the world as a fetus like most children but unlike most fetuses, I was born with a twenty and a half inch penis. My mother's womb was cold and damp and smelled of apple pie. My childhood was spent watching TV and taking care of our other siblings with my older brother Gold. Our other siblings were periodically taken away from our mother by their fathers because they each knew she was a crazy skank. We would only get to see them every six months due to a court ruling. Me and Gold weren't taken away because we didn't know who our fathers were. Our mother was a prostitute who worked under a midget pimp named Big Daddy (tee hee). She didn't have much time for me or Gold but she was a caring mother- to an extent. She would beat us both with frying pans if we misbehaved and when she was away, she expected the television and fire to be our parents... Truly a normal childhood. Yes. When I was a child, I played like a child; I walked like a child and spoke like a child. And when I became a man, I took that child outside and had him shot. Then I took his corpse and had sex with him multiple times. Then I became a detective. And... that's basically my life. Did you get all that Judy?"

"Um... yes... and um... I'll make sure you're enrolled into therapy first thing in the morning Mr. Platinum, sir."

"Excelle- THERAPY?! Bitch, I don't need any therapy!" Platinum was too late because Judy was now running out of his office screaming. "What's up her butt?" He was just about to go after her but his phone rang. He picked it up. "Platinum Detective Agency, you lose it, we find it. Warning: your lost item or person may or may not be covered in jizz when returned. This is Detective P. Who may I ask is calling?"

"What's up Defective Penis? It's me, Gold."

"It's Detective P asshole! What do _you_ want?"

"Hey! Can't your big brother call you once in a while to say hello without being accused of wanting something?"

"No. What do you want from me?"

"Okay... Don't tell anyone but... I lost all my kids and Silver senior. Could you find them for me?"

"I can. But it will 100,000 dollars, 25,000 thousand for each missing person."

"What the fuck?! But I'm family! My house isn't even worth that much!"

"_Half_ family, dear brother."

"Don't you care that your niece and nephews are lost in the cold, harsh world? Are you that heartless?"

"In order: no and yes. 100,000 take it or leave it."

"You're only doing this because Mom liked me best!"

"Nothing you can say can change my price. 100,000 FUCKING DOLLARS!" Platinum heard Gold sigh through the phone.

"Fine, you win... but if they come back covered in jizz I'll shoot you in the neck."


	18. Ruby's Great Escape

Ok. I know I said in the first chapter of Diamond Fists (which I haven't wrote in a long time either) that I wouldn't be continuing this fic but I've been doing some thinking lately (which is weird because I rarely think of anything except food, sex and video games). I've re-read what this fic has so far and remembered how much I love this story. So, it's been decided I'M BRINGING IT BACK!!!! OMGZORZ!!!11!!! RELEASE THAT WITHHELD ORGASM AND SKEET-SKEET-SKEET IN TRIUMPH!!!!!!1… that was… awkward…. Ahem… uh… on with the chapter…

Ruby Fantasies 

Ruby, Dick, Fire-Rape, the Proctologist and Big Daddy had their plan all figured out. They each didn't shower for about a week. They waited about another four days and each took a crap in a laundry bag Big Daddy stole on the second day (Yes, there actually _is _a point in taking a crap in a bag and not taking showers). On the twelfth day, they were discussing who was going to hide the bag under their shirt and take into the lunchroom. And by _discussing_, I mean playing hot potato with it in a circle because no one wanted to take it.

"You take it!" Dick shrieked as he passed it back to Ruby.

"Come on you guys! One of us _has_ to take it in!" Ruby said passing it to the Proctologist. He sniffed it once and handed the bag to Big Daddy.

"Why don't you do it? You're the one who came up with this retarded plan!" Big Daddy complained, tossing it back to Ruby who tossed it again to Fire- Rape.

"You know, that sincerely hurts my feeling when you call it retarded. It took many days of thinking and lots of brain power to work out the intricacies of this plan. We shall not fail my friends! ... If you just put the crap under your shirts!" Ruby said. Fire-Rape handed the bag back to Dick who then gave it to Ruby.

"How much brain power could it have taken to think of crapping in a bag?" Dick asked. Ruby didn't answer and continued passing the bag around. They went on like this for another 10 minutes when they heard footsteps coming from down the hall.

"Shit! They're coming to open the cell! We have to do this now!" Ruby insisted. "Wait. I have a solution!" When the bag came back to him, he turned it upside and dumped its contents all over Dick. Dick let out a roar of primal fury and put his hand around Ruby's neck. The others tried to get his arm of the choking Ruby but couldn't get him off. When the guards finally got to their cell, they opened the door hastily and tackled Dick off of him.

"CONVICT! YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE THAT AND YOU'LL BE ON DEATH ROW! STOP BEATING ON THIS WHITE KID!" One of the guards shouted. Both of them didn't seem to realize that he was covered in feces. They noticed the smell however.

"For the love of god, the five of you need to take more showers! It smells like week old shit in here!" They got off of Dick and lead the group out of the cell and to the lunch room.

"I don't get it. How come they didn't notice anything?" Dick whispered in Ruby's ear.

"It's because you're black," Ruby said simply.

"What!?" Dick hissed back.

"I dumped the crap on you so it would blend in with your skin. They practically train the guards in every jail to be racist so I knew they wouldn't notice. Plus I had us not shower to make us smell so bad that they wouldn't smell the shit on us, or in this case, you (I told you there was a point to all that). Smart, eh?" Ruby explained as the group traveled through the procession of now empty cells. The other inmates must have all been in the mess hall.

"Well… it's vulgar but it's working so far… But I swear to god if you dump more shit on me, I'm gonna have the Proctologist over there rape you up the ass."

"Fair enough my Negro Amigo," Ruby said smiling.

"Don't call me that…" Dick said back as they walked through the mess hall doors. They each got what little edible food that was available and met back at a table in the middle of the room. They ate in silence for a bit before Ruby did a recap of the plan.

"Okay Phase 1: Completed. Now I'll explain Phase 2. I really tried hard putting all of our talents into this entire plan-."

"I've never seen such a less talented group my whole life…" Big Daddy muttered. Everyone besides Ruby nodded in agreement.

"Have more self esteem you guys! Together we're gonna break out of here! We each have talents to bring to the table, both literally and figuratively! When we get out of here we'll go to wondrous Allah's heaven, have sex with dozens of virgins and drink milk and honey from the vagina of a Miltank!" Everyone's jaws dropped out of disgust.

"First off, we're not suicide bombers (or Muslims in general for that matter). Second, there's nothing in the Qur'an that talks about drinking milk and honey out of a Miltank's vagina. Third, even though I'm a raging faggot, even I thought that speech was gay," the Proctologist ranted. Everyone at the table and in the vicinity looked at him wide eyed and with their mouths agape. They all thought he was a mute too.

"You can speak?" Dick asked.

"Why yes. Very eloquently, in fact."

"Then how come you haven't said anything before this?"

"I never had anything to say before-."

"Ahem." Ruby said, bringing attention beck to him. He waited until the other inmates turned away from their table before speaking again.

"Okay, as I was saying… First, we take scoop the crap off of Dick and put it back in the bag. Then we have Fire-Rape take the lighter out of his ass and set it on fire-."

"FIRE MAKES ME HORNY!"

"Yes, we know. The bag will then explode and fire off a gas cloud of burning fecal matter. We will use the confusion to get my pokeballs out of the Proctologist's ass and use my Pokemon to guard our backs as we lead a campaign out of the building. To our front, Big Daddy will whip his dick out and cock slap everyone in our way. Any questions?"

Everyone was thoroughly sure that this wasn't going to work. Fire-Rape took the lighter out of his ass and started playing with it, not caring what would happen as long as fire was with him. His right eye twitched violently as the fire came out. The Proctologist had let out a sigh and stared over at Ruby's ass again. Big Daddy yawned and went back to his food. Dick started shaking his head and murmuring to himself.

"…Vulgar, insane, impossible, illogical, disgusting, unsanitary, dangerous, retarded…" He the let out a sigh and started scooping the… contents… that Ruby poured over him into a bowl. He passed the bowl to Ruby, still shaking his head in disapproval. Ruby took the lighter out of Fire-Rape's hand (to his great dismay) and dumped into the bowl.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" He shrieked as he tossed it down to the floor and exploded. The air was so full of doo-doo matter that-

FREEZE! HOLD IT, HOLD IT! PAUSE THE STORY!

Okay people, here's the thing… I just _can't_ show all of Ruby's Great Escape. Why? Because a _T _rated fic can't go around having its characters running around blowing up shit, pulling pokeballs out of a gay man's ass and cock slapping people. Sure, they _talk_ about it but they don't actually _do_ it.

So, for all tense and purposes lets just say that the plan worked out perfectly and exactly how Ruby explained.

So, fast forward a bit… and back to the show!

"FREEDOM!" Ruby exclaimed as the five of them ran out of the now burning building. They didn't stop running until they reached the outskirts of Rustboro City, just next to Petalburg Forest. "KISS MY ASS CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM!" After much celebrating, the group finally settled down in order to discuss what to do next.

"What do we do now?" Dick asked Ruby as they started heading towards the city.

"We lay low for a bit in the city and find my friends. We can do whatever we want again."

"…You're alright kid." Dick said grinning at Ruby.

"Thanks, Negro Amigo."

"… I take it back…" Dick said looking frustrated again.


	19. The Path of the Gypsy is Paved WithGrief

Story Change: Golden Chapters

Gold Jr., Emerald and Silver Sr. got lost in Petalburg Woods for the past two weeks. They finally got out around the same time Ruby and the others escaped from prison. They took a bus from the same bus stop that Ruby and Dick got arrested at and rode all the way to Rustboro City. For the time being they were staying at the pokemon center. Silver was trying to sleep at one of the tables but Gold Jr. kept waking him up through a series of questions.

"Hey Silver, what have you been doing up until now?" He asked. Silver opened his eyes and gave Gold an irritated look.

"What do you mean?"

"I only remember seeing you back in Kanto when Dad popped me out of the cloning machine. Then I never I saw you again. What have you been doing for the past 14 years?"

"…Slowly dying but never having the courage to finish myself off… Ever since P.O.O.T disbanded and Green started hating my guts I've really had nothing to live for…" Silver said somberly, looking out of the window rather then meeting Gold's eyes.

"…So you're saying is that you're a loser?" Gold asked. Silver sighed.

"… Couldn't you show a _little_ empathy?"

"Dude are you a loser or not?" Silver slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. He glared maliciously at Gold.

"YES! YES I'M A FUCKING LOSER! I HAVE NO HOME, NO FAMILY, NOTHING! AND WHAT'S WORSE; I EAT OUT OF _YOUR_ _FAMILY'S _TRASH CANS!"

"Dude, take it easy-." Silver grabbed Gold Jr. by both sides of his collar and pulled him out of the seat.

"NO I WON'T TAKE IT EASY, _DUDE!_ I KNOW I'M A FAILURE BUT I DON'T NEED SMART ASS MOCKING ME OVER IT! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! BLOOD? BLOOD?! YOU WANT MY BLOOD!? TAKE MY BLOOD! I SURE AS HELL DON'T NEED IT!" He dropped Gold and stabbed himself in the palm with a nearby pen.

"Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Are you out of your mind!?"

"BLOOD! TAKE MY BLOOD!" Silver tried to wipe his bloodied hand on Gold's face but Gold leaped out of the way. Silver began chasing him around the pokemon center, trying to wipe his blood on him.

At that point everybody in the pokemon center except Emerald and Nurse Joy ran outside, afraid of what Silver's murderous frenzy might lead. They did however, crowded around the window to see what was going to happen next. Emerald, who had been trying to ignore their 'drama' by reading the newspaper, got out of her seat and put the paper down. She sighed and as Silver ran by she stuck her leg out. Silver tripped over her and fell face first into the floor.

"Poor, poor-a man…" Emerald said before kicking him in the side of the head. He was knocked out cold. "I hope that didn't hurt him too much…" Gold stopped running and let out a sigh of relief.

"Thanks Emerald."

"Just shut up Gold…" She snapped at him.

"What the hell did I do?"

"You're the one who started it!"

"Are you kidding me? I just wanted to start a compelling conversation with my long lost Uncle Silver!" They're not really related but Gold calls him that anyway as a term of endearment. "How am _I _the bad guy here?"

"You-a upset him by calling him a loser! And didn't you say that you're a _professional _bad guy?"

"Well yes I guess its true I'm a professional bad guy but the point is that if he didn't he want me to call him a loser then he should stop being one."

"The man's is in a low-a point in his life and you have anything encouraging to say to him?"

"Why should I encourage him? What do I look like; his mother?"

"I'm not asking you to be his mother, I'm asking you to be his friend!" Gold rolled his eyes at her.

"That's bull crap in its highest form! And what the fuck are you guys looking at?" He said pointing at the window the other trainers were watching them from. Gold smacked the window to try and scare them away. "Shoo bitches! Get lost before I unleash a can of unadulterated rape on your asses!" The crowd dispersed instantly. "Now back to our discussion… If he didn't want me to call him a loser then he should stop being one!"

"_You're_ the only loser here! I can't-a take this anymore!" Emerald said. She rolled up her newspaper and pushed the front door open.

"Wait a minute! Where're you going? You can't leave; you're part of Team GS!"

"And-a I'm seriously wondering why I even joined your stupid team in the first place! I'm a much more capable pokemon trainer then you and I'm sick and tired-a of wasting my time looking for that retarded sex loving brother of yours! I have to look for my _own_ brother-a damn it!" Gold reached out a hand to stop her from leaving but she smacked it away with her newspaper.

"Owie…" Gold whined whilst massaging his hand. "So that's it then? You're just gonna leave after all we've been through?"

"_All we've been through?_ All we've done together is-a bicker, get chased away by some freak-a sprouting a laser cannon from his balls, bicker some more, get lost in the woods for two weeks (while bickering the whole time) and come here to bicker some more! You keep saying we're all going to accomplish our goals and rule the world. But-a just face it Gold. _We've accomplished nothing and never will!_"

Gold was stunned silly by Emerald's corrosive words. He tried to come up with some sort of counter-statement but couldn't. He couldn't help but admit that what she said was true to an extent.

"Goodbye Gold. Where I-a come from, whenever you depart you wish the person you're leaving will have a long life and many children-."

"Uh thanks…"

"No. I-a will not say that. Instead I'll-a say that I hate your guts, I hope you die within the hour and if you ever-a knock some poor girl up I hope she hides your pathetic embryo from you. Why? Because since you're such a commitment avoiding bastard you'll probably pull a Cronus and just eat your-a poor, misshapen, sub-par babies!"

"Wow… That was a real big kick to the balls with the baby eating part…" Gold said out of shock and awe. "Your criticism stings me to my core Emerald…"

"I know." She took one last look at him and Silver. "If he's smart he'd leave you too…" She pushed the door open and slammed it behind it her. Gold watched her through the window until she was out of sight. A sudden pang of loneliness and guilt came to him. The reality of his situation seemed to have found its way into his head.

"I'm far away from home, alone with a guy who will probably leave me too (or kill me). Silver (Junior) might be dead now and I don't have a clue where Sapphire is… She's right. I am a failure…" Gold muttered to himself. "Well. I'm going to go do what any other person would do in this situation. I'm going to go do pot in a back alley, cry myself to sleep from my own mediocrity and live the life of a meandering gypsy. Wow. I have a bigger vocabulary than I thought I did…"

"Can I come too?" Gold turned around to find Silver Senior getting back to his feet. "Actually I was already doing that when your dad found me but at least I won't be alone again…"

"Sure thing dude. Let's go do some drugs in the back of this place!" Gold suggested happily. If they were going to be failures they might as well do it together.

"Let's go buddy!"


End file.
